I’ve seen the future,
now it has passed
I felt what it might be,
but it wasn’t built to last
At times it burns a hole so deep,
there is nowhere else to go
But I felt it, I lived it, it was real,
not just all for show
If ever I did believe,
my mind was capable of coping
These are the days I understand,
so here’s to still hoping
There are times I feel completely numb. It’s a personal choice really. There are moments when life feels too intense, emotions seem much too complex, thinking feels far too weighted. I’d rather walk around carefree and live in my bubble where all things are just simple. I don’t want to think about how much I love people or whether they love me, how far away certain things seem, where this path is leading, what the hell I’m doing or what may happen.
So when I’m drifting into oblivion, I feel an overall serenity that is comforting. Some days lately are just too much and although I understand myself so much better at this point in my life, the lost feeling never seems to leave me. I’ll never be the princess at the top of the castle being rescued by the brave white knight but maybe I’m hoping that someone, someday will help save me; just a little…
Once upon a time, I struggled through a certain period of feeling extremely unstable. I would literally feel fine one moment and end up crying the next. During this time I can honestly say I was in a very deep state of depression; something I have battled with for years. I felt beyond angry, defeated, bitter and sadly, didn’t even want to try.
I let those feelings control me and rule my world and that, in turn, made me miserable. I am not at all proud of the person I was back then but I can say that I am thankful to know what those emotions feel like. Somehow I was convinced that I was entitled to certain things and/or outcomes. I had so many expectations and instead of just letting things happen, I pushed many things I shouldn’t have.
These days I am a different person. I feel secure in just being me. I dropped the ego, the expectations, the sense of entitlement, the victim card, the drama, the negativity, the baggage and the whole living in the past thing; I finally grew up.
I have no idea where this next year will take me. However, I am certain that I will be following my dreams and cannot think of anything more important or rewarding. I am so thankful to have the opportunity and ability to chase after what I want and pursue my passions. Anything could happen and I am so ready to give my all. I’ve never felt stronger and more full of love; at peace with myself. Who knows, maybe a year from today I will be telling a different story. The one in which my fairy-tale finally comes true.
So many different ways my clouded mind has been drifting lately. The good and the bad. Oh the bad…It’s been following me everywhere I go. The hurt and the past. Neither of which are of any use to me. I have been hoping for the strength to overcome these recent internal waves of darkness.
I’ve decided to stick with love. I don’t need the countless other negative emotions that try to block out the good in me. The parts of me that were meant to shine.
Recent endeavors guided by meditation have taught me that most of the turmoil in our lives come from our egos and overall fear. This chaos causes much of our anger. Well I refuse to be angry. I’m still working on letting go of my fear. At times it can be difficult not to fear ending up alone, especially when so many others around me have their someone. But then again, I guess that makes me special. My person is still out there searching, as am I. Maybe on this journey to find myself, someday I will feel whole again. Without needing anyone else to validate me. I’m still learning about all the reasons why I’m good enough. I just have to remember to believe.
So love wins. Because it’s all I’ve ever had to give. The broken parts of me aren’t strong enough to hold me down anymore. These new parts of me that I’ve built are much stronger. I’m still holding onto hope. It’s all I have now. And I will not let go.
In many ways, my moods reflect the phases of the moon. At times I feel bright, vibrant and full; I rule my life in the way she owns the night sky. But after this fullness I do tend to dwindle. Parts of me feel broken, missing and I just feel, plainly stated, less whole.
I am fairly convinced that it is damn near impossible to explain in words the way my mind functions. But I am going to give it my best shot. I have a constant, fast-moving collection of what I would call an endless pool of data racing throughout my thoughts. I realize that it is normal to process many things at once and we all do this, but somehow the situation in my head has its differences and I’m sure of it. Often it feels like I might explode if I don’t release, share or document this information in some way. Most music, conversations, pictures, images, memories, art, observations, etc. set off chain reactions in my thought process. I’m visualizing what pictures I could take, what stories I could tell, what I need to document, how to understand the situation I am in, how to understand myself, feeling intense emotions and even trying to recall when I last felt the same way or was in a similar situation. I guess the things that I’m drawn to most are music, words and images. Writing and photography are the main driving forces in my existence. I’m most alive when I have written my thoughts out into words or I have expressed my feelings through a picture I have taken. These two creative outlets of mine always contribute to my happiness. Both are eternal. The words I’ve written and pictures I’ve taken will always live on. Forever. No matter where I end up, I can always take myself back to any previous moment in my life. Most importantly I can re-live the same feelings, whether that is something I wish to do or not.
I used to think my heart was weak and easily broken. Now that I have grown up some and know myself better, I have a better understanding. My heart is just very full. I am someone who will never stop giving and caring for an endless number of people. I love so many in countless ways. I will never stop myself from feeling. Although at times I did believe the answer was to shut myself off and try not to get attached in any way. I can’t and will not do that. I fall for people easily. I don’t mean this in regards to relationships solely. I fall in love with people and even objects and moments in general. My friends, my family, strangers on the street, those who are fighting for the same things as me, animals, the weather, nature, sounds, smells; the way all these things make me feel. My senses are extremely sensitive which in turn explains the way my emotions feel ever-changing like the wind.
I don’t need to build walls anymore. That is no way to exist. These days I really put myself out there. I talk to strangers, I wear what I want and feel comfortable with my body including all imperfections, I make mistakes and admit it, I speak up when I don’t agree, I ask so many questions, I stand up for myself when things aren’t right, I talk to men who I believe are way out of my league, I share my feelings, I speak my mind, I make countless mistakes, I make the tough decisions and live with the consequences. I also benefit from the way these decisions impact my entire life. The past made me mostly timid, shy and afraid to be myself. But I’m not afraid anymore. Somewhere along the way, I became this woman who is proud and confident. When I look in the mirror, sometimes I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I’m beautiful, driven, passionate, expressive, strong, powerful, proud, influential and helpful in the lives of those around me. I can finally celebrate all the ways I am completely unique. There is no force that can ever stop me or take away the peace I feel and pure joy I experience for being able to be exactly who I am. No matter where this crazy life takes me I will always look back with complete appreciation that I had the chance to exist in the first place. Life is amazing in incalculable terms. Count your blessings.
Homeostasis 