Progress requires patience. Patience takes time. Time moves so slow, currently.
My mind is on fire with hopes, dreams, challenges and beyond. Knowledge is my only true goal.
Everything I do is fueled by what comes next.
All this hard work is propelling me towards that fairytale.
It will all be mine.
This year has been the most challenging. I would say that belief in my personal abilities is my main driving force. Also, it’s usually best to view things on more of a micro level; the macro can overwhelm me quickly. Like today, for instance. Two classes, a creative writing club meeting, a National Leadership speaker seminar and an advisement appointment. Probably hours of homework to follow, as well. Life is busier than it has ever been, but I asked for this. When I think of what the alternative could have been, I’m thankful. But oh how lonely it all can feel at times. I’ve lost friends due to their new relationships, social time is almost non-existent, I miss my family, I’m living in a city that has the ability to kill your spirit daily, and I often feel like I have no one to vent to. That’s not true, of course. I do. I have an amazing support system but mostly I need someone who gets it. Thankfully, I have friends here that are also in school and that helps a great deal.
So while I’m proud of my progress, I am extremely difficult on myself as well. That’s the way its always been.
In the stillness of the morning, immersed in so much thought, I still am not entirely sure where all this is leading. But despite my self-doubt and tumultuous reflection, I am certain that my passion will lead the way. What else is there?
A little surreal that 15 weeks of my life were spent working my ass off and these four letters are what emerged. Feeling proud and ready to conquer what comes next.
Just as is my theme for this space that I share with you all, so is life. Ups and downs. If I’ve learned anything at all, the most important is to focus on the good even if everything else is on the rocks. And that it certainly is.
Several of my photos were published in my college literary magazine. It keeps me strong to know one area of my life is currently changing me for the better and advancing me towards something more. Education and personal expression are the two things holding me together.
Never giving in. Never giving up.
It’s almost midnight. You are flipping through a stack of flash cards for what feels like the tenth time today, simultaneously studying for three exams rapidly approaching within the next 7 days. Your body is exhausted from the consistent 4 hours of sleep you get nightly plus your daily commute which totals close to 2 1/2 hours. All you wish to do is focus on your school studies but you have no choice but to continue to work full-time to barely support yourself in a city with ever-escalating expenses. You haven’t spent time with your friends, outside of work, in over a month. Speaking of work, you consistently feel the urge to strangle every uppity customer that talks down to you solely based on the fact that you are the one “serving” them their cup of coffee. And whether or not your coffee shop will still be in business when Spring rolls around? Well that is doubtful. You haven’t been to yoga(your absolute favorite form of therapy in the whole wide world) or even the gym in several weeks; ages really. You have definitely packed on a few extra pounds due to some recent stress eating. Not to mention the ever-growing pile of laundry that you just can’t seem to ever find the time for. You are fighting off all those angry thoughts that living in this chaotic city can sometimes create, especially every time you transfer at Union Square to a sardine-packed 4 train. You haven’t been home to see your family in 9 months and all you want is one comforting hug and a re-assuring “it’s going to be okay”.
You suck it up. You breathe. You let all the negativity go. You move onward, always forward. It’s called sacrifice. You do it because you believe you can. You do it because you want a better life and you sure as hell deserve it. You do it to make someone proud even if it is simply yourself. Most importantly, above all, you do it because you feel a passion inside of you so incredibly strong that you are convinced you were meant for greater things.
Years from now you will no longer be that girl behind the counter at some random cafe. You are going places. You will have everything you’ve ever dreamed. And more.
And at the end of the day before you finally drift to sleep, you glance out your window to catch a glimpse of the city skyline twinkling from afar. You remember what you came here for and what you are willing to do to achieve that. The magic of the city keeps your dream alive.
Last night, as I approached the last full block of my walk home, I met an older gentleman on the corner. He reminded me to watch for traffic as I crossed the street. Upon further conversation, I learned that he is a bus operator and has lived in this very same Bushwick neighborhood for some 25 years. We discussed schooling, safety, technology, perception and even Sociology. His name is Eric and I am grateful to have met him.
A great portion of the time, I am engulfed in whatever music I am listening to. This is not to say that I do not pay attention. I am highly observational. But I desire these types of interactions and live to hear other peoples stories.
Sociology specially fascinates me. Although I am merely in the beginning of my academic career, I see big things for the future. It’s exhilarating to say the least.
Recently I’ve learned that all these years, I have really been missing out on the camaraderie shared among classmates. There is something quite strong about sharing your goals with others while studying/researching the same subjects. This feeling isn’t easily matched except for maybe between the people you work with. It’s a special bond. It feels nice to have that again. I’m being exposed to a vast number of things. New relationships are being formed.
College full-time on top of full-time employment is demanding but I enjoy the busyness of it all.
Life is good.
I decided to stop wearing makeup, conquered my Statistics class (so far), started running again, have been exploring the Bronx, and met someone.
Life is interesting.
No time to overthink anything. Only time for learning and studying. I like it this way.
First week observations: this journey is exhilarating, exhausting, wonderful and terrifying. I’m up for the challenge.
Approximately six months ago, I made a choice. I was ready to face my future. I decided it was time to change my life.
As far as support goes, the people in my life have been nothing short of amazing. As intimidating as the whole process has felt from time to time, my friends have been there through every step.
Tomorrow I begin the next chapter of my life. I shall enrich my mind with the wonder of knowledge that I have been longing for.
Grateful for the opportunity and full of hope. Tomorrow begins my college education. I have never been more proud and full of determination.