This lyrics to this song hit so deep that it’s almost unimaginable.
“…And I’ll miss you like you’re dead
But I never got to grieve you
Cause I saw you
In the arms of someone else
So your phantom follows me
Like a child would his mother
Or a lover who never said goodbye
It’s only saying goodbye…”
So often in this city am I inspired by people I’ve never spoken one word to. I feel this every time I pass by a single mother walking down the street with her children, on the train when I see an artist sketching, the business men and women dressed crisp and clean rushing off to their office jobs, runners traveling along various paths, the countless people who have no home and are braving the streets during a scorching summer day. I’m especially touched when I happen to be lucky enough to come across a musical performance while waiting for a train. Almost every weekend I have experienced an amazing show at the same subway stop. Very often people are in such a hurry and never even stop to listen and I will admit I have done the same. I believe the pace of this city can be overly rushed and chaotic on a level that can create distress on the mind and body. I told myself a while back to slow down and just enjoy the moment which is why I now listen to the music. These people are basically telling their story for every stranger passing by; their souls completely exposed. That type of passion is what drives me and that force alone pushes me to be a better person. I’m not yet sure what I want to do with my life and my future and lately I feel like I’m pulled in every direction. But I’m convinced that if I continue to better myself and keep doing the things I love that I will always be happy. I will make sure of it.
This last week was life-changing, filled with so many moments that saved me. Literally.
I had been on a hiatus from the gym. I’m not entirely sure why but I was feeling too low to push myself that hard. Honestly I know the gym would have made me feel better but for some reason I just couldn’t do it. So it is what it is. I finally returned and did okay. It will take a few days to get back into the swing of it. But I met this older gentleman running next to me. He really lifted my spirits. We discussed music and travel. He told me that he had spent time in Arizona and even New York but in the end, he really loves Ohio. It was just great to have a conversation with a complete stranger. I find that people who don’t know you tend to actually listen to what you have to say.
My friend Ellen sent me a care package with some things for around my house. That was probably the sweetest thing anyone has done for me in a very long time. It was just so nice and really made me feel special. I haven’t felt that nearly enough lately. My heart has been aching with loneliness, so much it is painful. I do everything I can to make it stop but ultimately I wish I was closer to those that calm me. I have some people who are a part of my life here, but only in very small doses. So I guess I’m still learning how to remedy my self-induced sadness at times.
Earlier in the week, I had to take a different route to work than usual. My bus passed the Newport Music Hall and I noticed an advertisement for MuteMath. I knew that was a sign. They are one of my favorites and I was dying to see them live. So last night I attended the show solo. I honestly love going to shows by myself. It’s so empowering. It was by far the greatest display of live music I have ever witnessed in my life, matched only by the time I saw Radiohead at Cochella years ago. My entire body and soul are still on a complete high from that experience. Those guys are insanely talented. There is a certain magic about a band that truly appreciates what they do and adore their fans. I have a high respect for that.
In this upcoming week I hope to get myself registered for the half marathon in May, further my process with school registration and laugh more. Life is what you make it and I know I’m in control.
In many ways, my moods reflect the phases of the moon. At times I feel bright, vibrant and full; I rule my life in the way she owns the night sky. But after this fullness I do tend to dwindle. Parts of me feel broken, missing and I just feel, plainly stated, less whole.
I am fairly convinced that it is damn near impossible to explain in words the way my mind functions. But I am going to give it my best shot. I have a constant, fast-moving collection of what I would call an endless pool of data racing throughout my thoughts. I realize that it is normal to process many things at once and we all do this, but somehow the situation in my head has its differences and I’m sure of it. Often it feels like I might explode if I don’t release, share or document this information in some way. Most music, conversations, pictures, images, memories, art, observations, etc. set off chain reactions in my thought process. I’m visualizing what pictures I could take, what stories I could tell, what I need to document, how to understand the situation I am in, how to understand myself, feeling intense emotions and even trying to recall when I last felt the same way or was in a similar situation. I guess the things that I’m drawn to most are music, words and images. Writing and photography are the main driving forces in my existence. I’m most alive when I have written my thoughts out into words or I have expressed my feelings through a picture I have taken. These two creative outlets of mine always contribute to my happiness. Both are eternal. The words I’ve written and pictures I’ve taken will always live on. Forever. No matter where I end up, I can always take myself back to any previous moment in my life. Most importantly I can re-live the same feelings, whether that is something I wish to do or not.
I used to think my heart was weak and easily broken. Now that I have grown up some and know myself better, I have a better understanding. My heart is just very full. I am someone who will never stop giving and caring for an endless number of people. I love so many in countless ways. I will never stop myself from feeling. Although at times I did believe the answer was to shut myself off and try not to get attached in any way. I can’t and will not do that. I fall for people easily. I don’t mean this in regards to relationships solely. I fall in love with people and even objects and moments in general. My friends, my family, strangers on the street, those who are fighting for the same things as me, animals, the weather, nature, sounds, smells; the way all these things make me feel. My senses are extremely sensitive which in turn explains the way my emotions feel ever-changing like the wind.
I don’t need to build walls anymore. That is no way to exist. These days I really put myself out there. I talk to strangers, I wear what I want and feel comfortable with my body including all imperfections, I make mistakes and admit it, I speak up when I don’t agree, I ask so many questions, I stand up for myself when things aren’t right, I talk to men who I believe are way out of my league, I share my feelings, I speak my mind, I make countless mistakes, I make the tough decisions and live with the consequences. I also benefit from the way these decisions impact my entire life. The past made me mostly timid, shy and afraid to be myself. But I’m not afraid anymore. Somewhere along the way, I became this woman who is proud and confident. When I look in the mirror, sometimes I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I’m beautiful, driven, passionate, expressive, strong, powerful, proud, influential and helpful in the lives of those around me. I can finally celebrate all the ways I am completely unique. There is no force that can ever stop me or take away the peace I feel and pure joy I experience for being able to be exactly who I am. No matter where this crazy life takes me I will always look back with complete appreciation that I had the chance to exist in the first place. Life is amazing in incalculable terms. Count your blessings.
Calvin and I were driving back into town last night in his truck with no radio. This song came up on my phone and we sang along as we drove through the mostly pitch black countryside. It’s always been one of my favorites and feels so good to sing out loud, especially while feeling so much happiness. Calvin is such a great friend. Don’t know what I would do without him these days.
Homeostasis 