Days of Future Past

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Now I am quietly waiting for
the catastrophe of my personality
to seem beautiful again,
and interesting, and modern.

The country is grey and
brown and white in trees,
snows and skies of laughter
always diminishing, less funny
not just darker, not just grey.

It may be the coldest day of
the year, what does he think of
that? I mean, what do I? And if I do,
perhaps I am myself again.

Frank O’Hara

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The Good Stuff

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Sometimes you need to slow down and appreciate just how far you have come.

That’s exactly what I made time for this morning. Sitting at a french cafe in the heart of Chelsea, I reflected on the past few weeks. There is definite evidence of progress. I have been participating in and enjoying Bikram yoga for close to three months now. My friend and I signed up for a 5k Summer series in Prospect Park. Every other Wednesday throughout the summer we will run a 5k. Ran one so far and although it was rough getting back into it, I felt proud to be doing something I love again. Running always makes me feel so strong. I made a commitment to cut sugar out of my diet and successfully went a whole three weeks without a drop of it. During that time I also consumed no alcohol and while I did have a few beers after my detox was over in honor of celebration, I have decided to quit drinking almost indefinitely. I don’t feel that need to escape that I once did which alcohol used to provide me and mostly just feels like I am poisoning my body whenever I do drink. I always feel worse. I only want to participate in activities that are beneficial to my body; I want to be good to myself. I established a personal doctor again and have been in for a few visits, it has been years since I’ve paid any attention to those important details of my life. This morning I was informed that I lost 12 pounds and drastically improved my blood pressure since my previous visit. I can only continue to work hard at boosting my health. Because all that matters to me is that I am healthy; physically, mentally and spiritually.

Aside from the focus on my health and wellness, I also recently received a raise after I obtained my New York City Health Academy certification in Food Safety. It feels good to be able to buy a few more groceries and not work so hard to pay the bills. I’m also looking forward to being able to travel a bit more often, so long as I can afford it.

I’m close to a month away from a trip home. I cannot wait to see my loved ones, have some fun and laughter and recharge my spirit.

I believe that life is mostly about timing. Sometimes things happen at all the wrong moments. But then again, sometimes it all works out. I feel strongly that there are amazing things about to happen in my future. I’m not waiting around or anything. My everyday adventures are more than I could ask for. I have the best friends, most supportive and loving family, an open mind, a big heart and the desire to always experience new things constantly and learn as much as I can. I believe the universe is taking good care of me as well as all of the hard work I have been doing.

Oh and it has officially been one year since I moved back to New York. I am still so in love with this amazingly versatile city.
I am a very lucky and grateful woman.

The Invitation

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The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (a Native American Elder)

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments

Orbital Bliss

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It was on a bus somewhere along my commute from Trader Joe’s back home. It was a frigid Monday morning and I was bundled tightly. None of my regular music could settle me; everything felt painful in my ears. I chose a piano/violin station and as the bus became more and more of a crowded and chaotic environment with each stop, I drifted further away. I closed my eyes and escaped the bus, the city, the world, my thoughts, my emotions, until it was like I didn’t even exist in my own body any longer. It felt warm. The warmest I have felt in so long. I was entirely motionless and my head empty. Strangely I had managed to completely let everything go, all the things inside. Some I was aware of and even things I didn’t know were there. It was bliss in those few moments yet so brief. Eventually I felt the vibrations in my feet travel back throughout my entire body and I was aware once again.

That was my favorite place…I want to go there again. I think I’ll visit often.

The Comfort of Strangers

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So often in this city am I inspired by people I’ve never spoken one word to. I feel this every time I pass by a single mother walking down the street with her children, on the train when I see an artist sketching, the business men and women dressed crisp and clean rushing off to their office jobs, runners traveling along various paths, the countless people who have no home and are braving the streets during a scorching summer day. I’m especially touched when I happen to be lucky enough to come across a musical performance while waiting for a train. Almost every weekend I have experienced an amazing show at the same subway stop. Very often people are in such a hurry and never even stop to listen and I will admit I have done the same. I believe the pace of this city can be overly rushed and chaotic on a level that can create distress on the mind and body. I told myself a while back to slow down and just enjoy the moment which is why I now listen to the music. These people are basically telling their story for every stranger passing by; their souls completely exposed. That type of passion is what drives me and that force alone pushes me to be a better person. I’m not yet sure what I want to do with my life and my future and lately I feel like I’m pulled in every direction. But I’m convinced that if I continue to better myself and keep doing the things I love that I will always be happy. I will make sure of it.

The Power We Possess

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If you really want something, make it happen. It’s as simple as that. I don’t believe the process spent in getting the things we want will be simplistic by any means, but we can have anything we desire. In my recent assessment of the last few years of my life, I know this theory to be so true.

I’ve been yearning for something that I do not have anymore. When, in all actuality, who says that I shouldn’t have it? I really owe it to myself to do everything within my power to get that things I want in my life. I am the only one that can make this happen. It is all riding on me.

I spent a week of self-realization, discovered the benefits of meditation and managed to do some new soul-searching. Then I spent a few very low days analyzing and understanding my current situation. I can, without a doubt, work very hard to make a life for myself here. But I never intended to do it alone. I’ve gained a great deal of independence and strength in my current residence but it’s time to move on.

Plans are in the works to move back to the city that stole my heart. Literally. There has not been one day that has passed that I don’t think about it. I became myself when I moved to New York and I haven’t truly been myself since I left it behind. My energy is focused on this dream that never really left me, I just found a way to push it aside for a brief moment in time. I can’t wait to go back home.

My Mantra

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We may know where we want to go but do we have a plan on how to get there? Sometimes I feel like I’m treading this path blindly and have no idea what to expect from day-to-day. The moments are all so intense because my state of mind tends to change so rapidly. Living in the moment is one thing that I am still learning how to do. Enjoying whichever direction the wind blows me feels very free. I have felt that I am missing some direction or maybe its just that I don’t have enough constants in my life. I have been researching a bit on meditation and personal affirmations. I have never created one of my own so I thought this would be the perfect time for my first one. This will be my own personal reminder of who I am every single day. I highly suggest that you write out your very own mantra. I feels empowering.

I am strong, independent and loving.

I feel balanced, centered and grounded.

I will conquer this day by radiating positivity.

I will release the past.

I am completely free to be myself.

I have the power to overcome any obstacle.

Every day my mind and body gain more strength.

I can breathe with ease and creativity constantly flows throughout me.

Simplicity in my life is beauty.

I love unconditionally and will always be loved in return.

I am surrounded by many souls who understand me and I accept them in their entirety.

I will be successful throughout any endeavour I may choose.

The present is the home of my dreams.

I am blessed and eternally grateful.

I’m Alive

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As much as my heart is gone these days, it still finds a way to hurt me. What I wouldn’t give to fast forward to a future time when I don’t remember those days. Sometimes I do want to remember, but mostly look forward to forgetting and existing as if it never happened.
I am this bright shining force, so full of all these things to give. I share small pieces of me, here and there and it keeps me alive. But deep down to my core, the place no one has ever been, so much is kept safely. I have glimpses of hope when I believe someday I will be understood. As much power as I possess, there is one part of me that will never recover. … …… .. … …. …. …. I was a foolish girl from the beginning and lived ever so blindly. These days, as I walk the streets as a grown woman, I know so much. Things I never even wanted or asked for; even still, this weight is mine. My body is alive and well but my heart is forever gone. I am numb and I don’t feel anymore, I am not even capable of feeling. I don’t WANT to feel. I could disintegrate into the night and it would be okay. I’m okay. All the million pieces of my shattered soul work very well together. I finally learned how to transform extreme hurt into power and I’m broken in all the right places.