Love Yourself

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For a very long time I never appreciated who I am. Although there was never a shortage of love in my life, from my wonderful family and friends, I still could not feel it. I spent a good portion of my days very low at times and lived in an unhealthy amount of darkness. I always fell for the ones who didn’t appreciate me. I loved them with all that I possibly could but there never seemed to be reciprocation on a near level. This wasn’t the fault of the men I chose, just the way it happened. It was life. It was growing pains. It was all necessary in the grand scope of things.

 

As much as I was searching and yearning to gain the love from those that I felt so deeply for, it was always something inside of me that was absent. I was learning self-acceptance. I was gaining an understanding of the person who was staring back at me in the mirror. After 31 years, I truly love myself. This isn’t some statement that I’m making in hopes of believing; it’s real. A friend asked me the other day how I learned to be comfortable being independent. I told her that I simply spent a lot of time alone and worked hard at getting to know every detail of myself. I studied my thoughts, feelings, reactions and emotions. As I emerged from all that time, I realized how valuable and extraordinary I am. And I’ll never forget it.

 

If you don’t love yourself, nothing else really matters. It’s great to love someone else but you cannot possibly give your all to someone if you are broken. As much as I am hopeful that I will find my other half someday I know that I will be okay without that. Because the truth is, I am already whole. I am me, with or without someone else.

If you don’t already, search within yourself to figure it all out. Love yourself. We are all worth that.

 

 

 

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Titanium

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We should all learn how to make our house a home. What I mean by that it simple. No matter where you are in your life, with regards to age or location, make it count. Sometimes waiting for the “right” moment to do or say something can affect us negatively. Be present in the moment; one day this will only be a memory. A very distant one.

As someone who has resided in several different environments in the past couple years, I understand the importance of re-gaining a new sort of “comfort-zone” anywhere I go. Occasionally all it takes is having an organized, warm and inviting living space to come home to every day. The traveler in me has also discovered that there are many spots around this city that have become like second-homes to me. Nature is a wonderful thing and often provides me with the serenity I crave.

As an independent woman, I sometimes struggle with balancing my self-sufficient nature with the need for companionship. Without the intent of doing so, I must somehow be interpreted by others as not ever needing a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on. The opposite is true though. In reality, I thirst for it more so. There are times I long for my adolescent days when I was still so naive and pure. I wish my mind could travel back to that innocence, before I knew so much. I was softer, slower, wide-eyed and hungry; I was just a young girl looking for any chance to love.

So here I am and up to this point I was one of those people who believed everything just happened according to the way it was supposed to, for a reason. How could I ever buy into this? Think of all the factors that come into play in our everyday lives. This would mean that everything in life is predestined. That theory is a hard one to swallow and false. Things will happen out of nowhere and devastate you, its bound to happen. You choose your reactions and the way you cope. My new theory is make yourself happy. Don’t ever wait for someone else to “save you”. I’m not saying that there aren’t people out there that will challenge you, change you and shape your lives in unimaginable ways. But we can’t sit around and wait for anything. We have to live, among the good and the bad. Overall I maintain a high faith in people unless they prove otherwise. Even then I forgive so easily that sometimes I question how I continue to hold onto this much belief and trust. I guess it’s just that I will forever refuse to live angry, bitter or hold grudges. What did that ever solve or prove? Nothing. It feels so heavy to carry around anything other than an open and clear mind. Ultimately, I am a lover and not a fighter. Those who I have warred with have only taught me more about myself and I’ve learned from it.

I’m not plotting battles, planning attacks or scheming things. I exist to live, love and protect those I care about. And in a world where people are exposing, flaunting, faking, fighting, judging, stealing, cheating, wounding and hurting each other, it just feels good to know my intentions are virtuous. I’ll always use my powers towards good, not evil.

Tastes Like Home

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There’s this game I play; drifting between ups and downs, the new and the old. I do it to myself because I am ultimately the one that decided to put so much distance between my new and old worlds. During my recent visit home, I was on a complete high and the warmest most comforting feelings consumed me. I was surrounding by loved ones. Now back in New York, I am still filled with comfort; just a very different kind. There is this rush I get from being on my own out here. When I step out of my apartment into the energy of this city, I experience independence and confidence. Every day is this new adventure where my surroundings constantly change. There is magic in the air.

Now that I am almost fully re-established, it is time to make things happen. Destiny awaits.

My Christmas Wishes

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I wish for no more pain and only happiness. Love and companionship and never a moment of loneliness. Clarity, an open mind, peace and comfort. Infinite hope and the ability to believe in the worst of times. Abundant amounts of strength and everlasting passion. I wish to have every last dream come true. I know that things happen only when they are meant to and that I must hold on until it is my time. I can only hope that I can resist the emptiness that sometimes wants to take me over. I will continue to be a bright shining light in my own life and do everything within my power to keep myself content. My heart will stay safe. I’ll make sure of it.

Happy Holidays to you all. I hope you have family, friends, new memories to last you a lifetime and most importantly
Love.

~J