Ready to Start

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So I guess I’ve been extra tough on myself lately. All these new journeys I’ve taken on and I’m determined to make something happen; to move forward in my self-improvement. There are those things that remain beyond my control and that is difficult for me to accept at times. So, in a way, these new endeavors represent the parts of me that are strong, able and willing. I’m not competing with anyone nor do I have anything to prove. I’m doing it all for me.

Bikram yoga has proven to be the most challenging and rewarding thing I’ve ever done for myself. It brings everything out of me. Every hidden feeling, every unhealthy thought, every single emotion. It’s not uncommon for me to be in tears at some point during class. This is the most important outlet in my life right now. There are so many things that I feel I cannot discuss with anyone else around me but within these 90 minutes I am free to feel it all. And it always feels better afterwards.

My body is going through many adjustments. The flexibility happens slowly and I’m still in a lot of pain much of the time. But I can feel how much strength I’m gaining. In addition to yoga, I’m working at changing my diet once again. I’ve decided to re-introduce eggs here and there and I just began a 21-day sugar detox.

I feel so small sometimes. It helps to have a grasp on my own wants and needs. I’m empowered by the control I finally feel I have in my life.

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The Invitation

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The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (a Native American Elder)

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments

My Dear Heart

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“My dear heart never think you are better than others. Listen to their sorrows with compassion. If you want peace, don’t harbour bad thoughts do not gossip and don’t teach what you do not know.”
~Rumi

Orbital Bliss

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It was on a bus somewhere along my commute from Trader Joe’s back home. It was a frigid Monday morning and I was bundled tightly. None of my regular music could settle me; everything felt painful in my ears. I chose a piano/violin station and as the bus became more and more of a crowded and chaotic environment with each stop, I drifted further away. I closed my eyes and escaped the bus, the city, the world, my thoughts, my emotions, until it was like I didn’t even exist in my own body any longer. It felt warm. The warmest I have felt in so long. I was entirely motionless and my head empty. Strangely I had managed to completely let everything go, all the things inside. Some I was aware of and even things I didn’t know were there. It was bliss in those few moments yet so brief. Eventually I felt the vibrations in my feet travel back throughout my entire body and I was aware once again.

That was my favorite place…I want to go there again. I think I’ll visit often.

Repost: Voyager

 

Because I appreciate this more now than I ever did back then.  I notice this trend often in my writing.

Repost from June 5, 2010

 

 

 

Throughout the winding roads and the windy streets, the sleepless nights and the constant feats

That pretty hate and the words that stung, the endless desire that always hung

The busy way my mind behaves, the almost never present logic that always saves

Those restless times that felt so, and everything I ever claimed  to know

During my darkest dark and my lowest low, somehow light always knew when to show

The dreams I dreamt and the plans I once made, only to start over again after they fade

To the friends that turned out to be real, and for those that couldn’t survive

I feel just fine without you, in fact I’m more than I ever was.  Now I’m alive

Amidst many tears shed and countless smiles had,

the ups and downs, the good and the bad

From the pure innocence of the blind I used to see, these days my eyes are finally free

Transformation takes place in times of disaster, something not so simple to master

Education comes in all forms and I cherish everything that I have learned

Thankful for every heartache from every soul I have ever yearned

I am finally on my way after a lifetime of trying to make sense of it all,

I still don’t have the answers and  yes I’ll continue to fall

Now I have something new, a simple little kind of free,

Losing my mind and keeping the faith, but then again I’m still me

 

Some Place Simple

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Sometimes I know I still feel you
Driving through town, passing all those places
Your energy resides everywhere
In darkness and completely still
Time can’t hide your faces
Days when the missing becomes too much to bear
Close my eyes and take me back
Heart on my sleeve is all I ever wear
In another world, throughout different times
I belong to you, and you were mine
My feet don’t run,
I feel slow
I give my blessing but know not the meaning
We grow so much older every day
I’m still learning just what to say
While my heart I continue weaning

My Tribe

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Taking some time out tonight to reposition things into perspective. This would be the perfect moment to sit on a rooftop and enjoy the light drizzle from the clouds above. I remember those nights I would sit on my rooftop and take in the view of the city, close my eyes, drown out the loud sounds of chaos surrounding me, and just think. That was by far my favorite thinking spot. Just one short month until I am reunited with the city that stole my heart.

I recently watched a movie called “Fierce People” and it caused a stirring in my mind, as so many other things do. In the final dialogue of the film the main character states, “We are the sum of all people we have ever met; you change the tribe and the tribe changes you.”

The absolute true nature of this statement travels directly to the core of me and makes my soul glow. The importance of our everyday contact with strangers as well as friends is unmatched by any other venture in our lives. Life is interaction. Our interaction with each other. We learn and grow in these moments. Our lives shape and shift every time we meet someone new. We gain goodness and endure sadness. We redefine ourselves according to who we are close to. Choice is the most powerful weapon we will ever possess and we make choices depending on how it will affect the people around us. We are ruled by our environments and the people who live within them. We are all a part of each other.

I was thinking about how many times I’ve been changed and the truth is, it’s constant. As independent as I am, I am also easily influenced. Mostly because I have such a fascination with how people run their lives. I observe, attempt to benefit or at least understand and keep a piece of this with me at all times.

If I had to say how many times I think I’ve changed someone, I could honestly not answer. I do believe that impacting a life is such a powerful thing. I strive to always leave things better than I find them. I am convinced that just being true to myself and never changing who I am will alone change things. I will change things in my own ways, in my own time.

I am eternally grateful for my tribe.

Carry Me

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“Choosing to live your life by your own choice is the greatest freedom you will ever have.”

I suppose it’s time to make another big decision. Life kicks and throws you around sometimes but that is surely a sign. I need to follow my heart and if that means moving on again, then so be it.