The Climb

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There is nothing that feels as settling as peace of mind. I finally believe that everything is going to be okay. More than that, I know it is going to be worth every bit of the ride.

I am filled with many emotions on my very last week residing in Ohio. I am going to miss the beauty, the calm, the serenity, the slow pace, the generosity, the people and my friends. Beyond that, I am ready for the next big thing. So much to do; so worth it.

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The Power We Possess

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If you really want something, make it happen. It’s as simple as that. I don’t believe the process spent in getting the things we want will be simplistic by any means, but we can have anything we desire. In my recent assessment of the last few years of my life, I know this theory to be so true.

I’ve been yearning for something that I do not have anymore. When, in all actuality, who says that I shouldn’t have it? I really owe it to myself to do everything within my power to get that things I want in my life. I am the only one that can make this happen. It is all riding on me.

I spent a week of self-realization, discovered the benefits of meditation and managed to do some new soul-searching. Then I spent a few very low days analyzing and understanding my current situation. I can, without a doubt, work very hard to make a life for myself here. But I never intended to do it alone. I’ve gained a great deal of independence and strength in my current residence but it’s time to move on.

Plans are in the works to move back to the city that stole my heart. Literally. There has not been one day that has passed that I don’t think about it. I became myself when I moved to New York and I haven’t truly been myself since I left it behind. My energy is focused on this dream that never really left me, I just found a way to push it aside for a brief moment in time. I can’t wait to go back home.

Heads or Tails

So today I find out Tiffany wants to move back to Arizona. I really like it here but things have been very difficult lately. Especially with the snow and not having a reliable car. It’s not like NY as far as public transit goes. I just barely felt like I was beginning to make things work again. I don’t know if I can make it here without her. But I also just don’t think I’ll be happy there either, in the long run. I really wish I knew what to do or that someone would just tell me what I should do…
I guess I’ll just sleep on it.

Forward Motion

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Lately the days are such a struggle but I’m definitely pushing through. This move has been even more challenging than New York, didn’t think that was possible. Now that I have a secure full-time job things are at least on the right track. I can only handle so many more days of sleeping on a couch, feeling like I’m in the way, not having my own space, being the new person, being completely broke(living on economy size breakfast cereal), not really having any friends and not having a car in a town whose transit operation is a joke.
When I get overwhelmed, which has been happening entirely too often lately, I just remind myself this is just a mere speck of time in my life. I know its just a matter of time until I pull it all together and get back to really living life again. I have a high respect for anyone who can drop everything, pick up their lives and start over in a brand new state. I think it takes a special sort of drive and passion. I’m so proud to say that I am one of those people. And I am certainly not finished yet.

Next.

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It is amazing to me how quickly things can change. I can’t help feeling so defeated as I walk away from this new life I have strived for in every way possible. I have to admit that I fell in love with this city as well as the woman that almost emerged in me while residing here. But once again, I am sinking and I just can’t seem to make it work. I have tried so hard, given so much of myself. I never expected to feel so saddened to say goodbye to New York. But I am. On a level that no one may understand. I’ve fought, I’ve tried, I’ve worked so hard. But that wasn’t enough. I guess someday it won’t feel like such a failure. But for now, it hurts.
It is time for more changes. I need to change everything all over again. I am terrified but I know it will be okay. I am always okay, no matter what happens. I hope this time is better and my decisions lead me down the right path. I desperately need some good.

Fake It Until You Make It

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New York has now been my home for a full year. It has been, without a doubt, the craziest, most emotional, difficult, scariest, amazing, awesome, inspiring, empowering and life changing experience that I have ever been through. Instead of rambling on, I have decided I will highlight my most favorite moments.

~Fall. Almost, if not every single bit of it. Leaves changing and falling constantly. Lots of rain. So much beauty. I find myself looking forward to a couple months from now when the season changes again.

~Thanksgiving Potluck. I was still kind of the newbie at work and Caitlin invited me to her place for a turkey day feast. There were several other of my co-workers there and I remember feeling like I had finally made some new friends and my heart felt settled again. I was starting to actually feel at “home” in my new environment.

~The First Snow. I remember the night well. Tiffany and I were on our way to spend time with our friend James at a neighborhood bar not too far from our place. It started snowing on our bus ride there. Tiffany started freaking out. Keep in mind, we had never really been in snow before during the actual snow fall. I was super excited, taking pictures out the window of the bus and texting everyone back home to tell them we were finally getting snow! We arrived at our destination and had a few drinks. Once we stepped back out into the night, there was a layer of snow that had began to form on the streets and parked cars. By the time I got home I was ready to snuggle up under my heated blanket and watch the snow begin to build outside my third story window. Every cheesy part of my soul was in a blissful state. I was a happy girl.

~Solo trip to Boston. Woke up early, hopped on a bus, walked around the city for a few hours in the freezing cold, and headed back home. There was still snow everywhere and I just fell in love with the area. Still haven’t gotten a chance to get back there since it warmed up but I intend to do so really soon.

~Battery Park/Hudson River. Sometime in February I explored Battery Park. I was just getting back into being active again and I wanted to do some walking. The area is really amazing and there simply are few words to describe it until you see it for yourself.

~Knitting with Caitlin. One of the first times Caitlin and I spent time together was over her place. I believe there was a light shower of snow flurries coming down and we sat on her living room floor sipping on some version of a pina colada that she had created with her new blender. She taught me the basics of knitting while she worked on a quilt that she was constructing. We listened to the sounds of Boys 2 Men, Joni Mitchell, Whitney Houston, Micheal Jackson and much much more. We bonded over the stories of our lives, laughed and even cried. I know for sure that her and I share a unique bond. I love that girl and she is definitely one of the people who have made surviving in this city a possibility.

~New Years Eve. The morning started off rough. I found out that Sammy passed away of cancer. Not really knowing what to feel or how to act, I was overwhelmed. Thankfully, my friend Josh was visiting and we started drinking early and set out on an adventure. The day is a bit of a blur. I know that at midnight it was Gus, Tiff, Josh and I laughing and having a great fucking time at some bar in the city. It was the perfect way to ring in the new year with people that I love.

~M Visit. I simply could not and would not be able to keep this part out of this post. At, what I view as, the height of our friendship and understanding of each other as a whole, my best friend and I planned his visit to New York City. I was ecstatic to have someone so important to me to experience my new environment along with me. I was in high anticipation for weeks and it was a wonderful thing to look forward to. The fine print and details are not important. I was so incredibly happy to spend time with him for a week and watch him experience the crazy city. Life is forever changing and we can never go back. But I will always remember that first night of his visit. I was the happiest I had in a very long time…

~Running. I never imagined myself tackling the art of running as a way of being active. The treadmill terrified me during most of my trips to the gym. Finally I started a program called Couch to 5k. The first runs were short but I soon worked my way up slowly and before I knew it I was gaining strength and stamina. Not to mention confidence! The first day I run for 25 minutes straight on the treadmill, I actually became overcome with emotion and my eyes began to fill with tears. Yes I really am that easily triggered. Ha ha. It was still winter and painfully cold back then so I spent most of my time running inside. These days I run the park often. Last week I ran the Brooklyn bridge, back and forth. I can’t even explain how proud of myself I was. I still am dammit. I will run a marathon later this year. It is, after all, on my bucket list ūüôā

So here I am. I would be lying if I said it was easy. It was painful, even brutal at times. There literally was blood, sweat and tears. So many things have changed in twelve short months and many things continue to change daily. Most importantly, I have changed. I grew up and learned all the things I was always afraid to face before. I am not scared anymore. Give me any obstacle, any battle, any hardship, any loss, any new environment to survive in. They say if you can make it here then you can make it anywhere. Believe me, it is true. So here I go into the wide unknown, more than ready for another year in this bumpy ride called life. Nothing is going to stop me from making it the best that I have ever had. I have a few tricks I’ve had hidden up my sleeve. It may be time to finally let it all out. When the time is right of course.

Army of Me

At this point, it’s all sort of surreal. ¬†Time keeps on ticking, the days continue to¬†disappear, slowly I am managing to cross countless things off my list and before I can even really think too much, it will be that time.

An overload of emotions, more than you could ever imagine, has me unsure of even how to feel or sometimes act. ¬†Or maybe it is just that I can’t quite keep track of how I’m feeling. ¬†I will say this. ¬†I am finding strength that I never knew I had. ¬†My own new found courage mixed with the support of some really great people is what keeps pushing me forward. ¬†A few more days of focus and hard work and this dream will finally be a reality. ¬†Then the real test begins. ¬†I hope you are ready for me Brooklyn.

The Final Countdown…

Eight days until my flight leaves for New York.  Eight days until my life changes forever.

There are many people who want to see me before I leave and of course I want to see them too. ¬†It’s interesting though, to me, that so many people come out of the woodwork when they find out that you are moving away. ¬†It’s difficult to keep an active relationship with all of your friends. ¬†By active I mean seeing each other regularly. ¬†I’m not saying that I am the best at it. ¬†I think a strong friendship is one that can survive no matter what the circumstances. ¬†I have friends that live in other states and I do try my best to keep in contact with them. ¬†We may not talk on a very regular basis. ¬†But we can still pick up where we left off over a phone conversation or on an occasional visit. ¬†I wish to stay close with all the people who mean the most to me. ¬†I¬†foresee¬†that the hardest part of my relocation will be adjusting to not having those people around. ¬†I am very emotionally attached to my friends and family and I consider myself ¬†lucky. ¬†Not everyone feels such a deep level of connection. ¬†I know it may take some getting used to and perhaps there will be some sadness, but I also know that I can pick up the phone and call them anytime. ¬†I hope they feel the same.

Josh said yesterday that he thinks New York will change me for the better and that I will finally truly “love” myself and appreciate how unique I am. ¬†It’s no secret that I have certain insecurities and self-image issues. ¬†I know we all do. ¬†I have been on a path of improvement for quite sometime now. ¬†The diversity of New York is something that I am thoroughly looking forward to. ¬†I know that this experience will¬†undoubtedly open my eyes to new ways of life, new ways of viewing things, new ideas and new types of people who I can continue to learn from.