Sometimes you need to slow down and appreciate just how far you have come.
That’s exactly what I made time for this morning. Sitting at a french cafe in the heart of Chelsea, I reflected on the past few weeks. There is definite evidence of progress. I have been participating in and enjoying Bikram yoga for close to three months now. My friend and I signed up for a 5k Summer series in Prospect Park. Every other Wednesday throughout the summer we will run a 5k. Ran one so far and although it was rough getting back into it, I felt proud to be doing something I love again. Running always makes me feel so strong. I made a commitment to cut sugar out of my diet and successfully went a whole three weeks without a drop of it. During that time I also consumed no alcohol and while I did have a few beers after my detox was over in honor of celebration, I have decided to quit drinking almost indefinitely. I don’t feel that need to escape that I once did which alcohol used to provide me and mostly just feels like I am poisoning my body whenever I do drink. I always feel worse. I only want to participate in activities that are beneficial to my body; I want to be good to myself. I established a personal doctor again and have been in for a few visits, it has been years since I’ve paid any attention to those important details of my life. This morning I was informed that I lost 12 pounds and drastically improved my blood pressure since my previous visit. I can only continue to work hard at boosting my health. Because all that matters to me is that I am healthy; physically, mentally and spiritually.
Aside from the focus on my health and wellness, I also recently received a raise after I obtained my New York City Health Academy certification in Food Safety. It feels good to be able to buy a few more groceries and not work so hard to pay the bills. I’m also looking forward to being able to travel a bit more often, so long as I can afford it.
I’m close to a month away from a trip home. I cannot wait to see my loved ones, have some fun and laughter and recharge my spirit.
I believe that life is mostly about timing. Sometimes things happen at all the wrong moments. But then again, sometimes it all works out. I feel strongly that there are amazing things about to happen in my future. I’m not waiting around or anything. My everyday adventures are more than I could ask for. I have the best friends, most supportive and loving family, an open mind, a big heart and the desire to always experience new things constantly and learn as much as I can. I believe the universe is taking good care of me as well as all of the hard work I have been doing.
Oh and it has officially been one year since I moved back to New York. I am still so in love with this amazingly versatile city.
I am a very lucky and grateful woman.
So often in this city am I inspired by people I’ve never spoken one word to. I feel this every time I pass by a single mother walking down the street with her children, on the train when I see an artist sketching, the business men and women dressed crisp and clean rushing off to their office jobs, runners traveling along various paths, the countless people who have no home and are braving the streets during a scorching summer day. I’m especially touched when I happen to be lucky enough to come across a musical performance while waiting for a train. Almost every weekend I have experienced an amazing show at the same subway stop. Very often people are in such a hurry and never even stop to listen and I will admit I have done the same. I believe the pace of this city can be overly rushed and chaotic on a level that can create distress on the mind and body. I told myself a while back to slow down and just enjoy the moment which is why I now listen to the music. These people are basically telling their story for every stranger passing by; their souls completely exposed. That type of passion is what drives me and that force alone pushes me to be a better person. I’m not yet sure what I want to do with my life and my future and lately I feel like I’m pulled in every direction. But I’m convinced that if I continue to better myself and keep doing the things I love that I will always be happy. I will make sure of it.
Sometimes I know I still feel you
Driving through town, passing all those places
Your energy resides everywhere
In darkness and completely still
Time can’t hide your faces
Days when the missing becomes too much to bear
Close my eyes and take me back
Heart on my sleeve is all I ever wear
In another world, throughout different times
I belong to you, and you were mine
My feet don’t run,
I feel slow
I give my blessing but know not the meaning
We grow so much older every day
I’m still learning just what to say
While my heart I continue weaning
My life seems to be taking a turn in the right direction. The planning process for my upcoming move is coming along very well and although, true to form, I have been procrastinating on the packing part, I have managed to find an amazing apartment in a gorgeous neighborhood and set up two interviews within the first week that I will be there. The school I want to go to is very close to the same area as well. As soon as I have a working computer, I am going to apply to the university.
Hoping to be able to survive without a vehicle for awhile. It’s going to be quite an adjustment after having access to such amazing public transit system. I always have the option of walking or riding my kick ass bicycle 🙂
As the days go by and the end of my stay in New York grows nearer, I am just trying to enjoy it to the absolute fullest. I am going to miss it all. But I can’t wait to see what is just around the corner.
It is amazing to me how quickly things can change. I can’t help feeling so defeated as I walk away from this new life I have strived for in every way possible. I have to admit that I fell in love with this city as well as the woman that almost emerged in me while residing here. But once again, I am sinking and I just can’t seem to make it work. I have tried so hard, given so much of myself. I never expected to feel so saddened to say goodbye to New York. But I am. On a level that no one may understand. I’ve fought, I’ve tried, I’ve worked so hard. But that wasn’t enough. I guess someday it won’t feel like such a failure. But for now, it hurts.
It is time for more changes. I need to change everything all over again. I am terrified but I know it will be okay. I am always okay, no matter what happens. I hope this time is better and my decisions lead me down the right path. I desperately need some good.