Ready to Start

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So I guess I’ve been extra tough on myself lately. All these new journeys I’ve taken on and I’m determined to make something happen; to move forward in my self-improvement. There are those things that remain beyond my control and that is difficult for me to accept at times. So, in a way, these new endeavors represent the parts of me that are strong, able and willing. I’m not competing with anyone nor do I have anything to prove. I’m doing it all for me.

Bikram yoga has proven to be the most challenging and rewarding thing I’ve ever done for myself. It brings everything out of me. Every hidden feeling, every unhealthy thought, every single emotion. It’s not uncommon for me to be in tears at some point during class. This is the most important outlet in my life right now. There are so many things that I feel I cannot discuss with anyone else around me but within these 90 minutes I am free to feel it all. And it always feels better afterwards.

My body is going through many adjustments. The flexibility happens slowly and I’m still in a lot of pain much of the time. But I can feel how much strength I’m gaining. In addition to yoga, I’m working at changing my diet once again. I’ve decided to re-introduce eggs here and there and I just began a 21-day sugar detox.

I feel so small sometimes. It helps to have a grasp on my own wants and needs. I’m empowered by the control I finally feel I have in my life.

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Finding My Freedom

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If you are not lucky enough to feel it already, one day there is going to be that person that comes along and changes everything. You might view the world differently. Parts of you will change. You will understand things you never did before. You will learn more about yourself because of this person than you every imagined was possible. Until then, enjoy the ride.

For me, this brand new year is about living in the moment as well as challenging myself beyond my previously established limits. I have never felt so alive and open to so many possibilities. Sure I have always held the power to do anything I desired, but I continued to hold back. I was afraid of where I might end up.

I’ve started a project that is incredibly important to me. For months now, I’ve considered the idea of traveling abroad to teach English. I finally signed up for the TESOL online certification and began completing the lessons. I’m filled with a new sense of importance and purpose. I’m not yet sure which country I am the most interested in relocating to but beyond excited for the adventure.

Understanding my true self, not who I think I should be, has always been a daunting task. As I progress in life and continue to meet new people and hear their own stories I feel as though it helps me understand the world in a different way. I’m not sure why but I felt completely misunderstood from a very young age. Being so disconnected caused me to fall into quite a few stages of self-isolation over the last several years. I’m starting to believe that the part of me that used to feel so awkward is slowly disappearing. I suspect this newfound confidence happened for a few reasons.

Living in New York City as a single female gives me a lot of independence on its own. But honestly I’ve gained so much strength and perspective from all the strong females I have met along the path and who I have the pleasure of working with on a daily basis. Most importantly and thankfully, these wonderful women are my friends. These newfound friendships have really opened my eyes to the world around me. It seems females are always wanting to compete against, be better than, prettier, smarter, richer or get the same guy as each other. Once you learn to respect each other, hopefully all that unnecessary jealousy, anger and pettiness goes away. I know it has for me.

Life is one hundred percent what you make of it. You always have a choice. I choose to make mine wonderful.

Repost: Voyager

 

Because I appreciate this more now than I ever did back then.  I notice this trend often in my writing.

Repost from June 5, 2010

 

 

 

Throughout the winding roads and the windy streets, the sleepless nights and the constant feats

That pretty hate and the words that stung, the endless desire that always hung

The busy way my mind behaves, the almost never present logic that always saves

Those restless times that felt so, and everything I ever claimed  to know

During my darkest dark and my lowest low, somehow light always knew when to show

The dreams I dreamt and the plans I once made, only to start over again after they fade

To the friends that turned out to be real, and for those that couldn’t survive

I feel just fine without you, in fact I’m more than I ever was.  Now I’m alive

Amidst many tears shed and countless smiles had,

the ups and downs, the good and the bad

From the pure innocence of the blind I used to see, these days my eyes are finally free

Transformation takes place in times of disaster, something not so simple to master

Education comes in all forms and I cherish everything that I have learned

Thankful for every heartache from every soul I have ever yearned

I am finally on my way after a lifetime of trying to make sense of it all,

I still don’t have the answers and  yes I’ll continue to fall

Now I have something new, a simple little kind of free,

Losing my mind and keeping the faith, but then again I’m still me

 

Riding the Waves

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I wish there were a way for me to fully capture this moment in which I am currently existing, at least so I could share the feeling with someone; anyone really. Jazz in the background, candles lit, safely snuggled under my heated blanket while I lounge here to document this next stage of me.

Rewind back to last year this time and I was living in a beautiful world called Columbus, Ohio. My job was high-stress, friends were scarce, resources limited and I needed something big to happen. For me. I was longing for a new outlet. I made the decision back then that I would someday run a half-marathon. Running was still somewhat new to me at that point but undoubtedly something I had grown to love. I pushed myself so very hard for the next 6 months, although not quite as intensely as I had hoped for. So instead, this last May, I ran my first 5k. One of the most rewarding moments of my life.

Fast forward to now. My wonderful friend Johanelli and I have decided to really start training for a Half Marathon next May. Now that I have an actual partner in crime to share this amazing and excruciatingly difficult journey, I feel more motivated than I ever have. I know all too well how painful this process is sure to be but at the same time the end results are guaranteed to be powerful beyond measure.

On top of marathon training, I will also be moving apartments in two short weeks. Words cannot describe how thankful I am to be moving on from this unfortunately poisonous living situation. Not to mention this new place will be a definite step up in my world and I can’t wait to start over again. It seems I do that often.

I could be the heated blanket, the Jazz, the endorphins or the fact that the moon is finally in my sign. All I know is that I’m on top again. Queen of my ever-changing wonderful world.

Seasons Come and Seasons Go, People Change and People Grow

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I’ve found that since I’ve moved to the east coast and actually began to experience the change of seasons that this time of year is my absolute favorite. Fall fills my heart with such joy and it seems I also walk around in a dreamy state more than usual. It’s just so damn beautiful around here. The colors are mesmerizing. Silly as it may sound, I find myself drifting around aimlessly, falling in love, all over again, with this glorious city and everything surrounding me. It matters not if I am sitting in the park in the middle of the day watching leaves fall or strolling along the Hudson River and night just engulfing my lungs with the Autumn air; the city seems more stunning, life feels more breath-taking and I appear more elegant.

What fascinates me is that all this beauty is rooted from the death in nature. Trees dying, life fading and the sun moving further and further away. Soon the days will become shorter and cold will set in. But even then, when winter takes over, I will embrace it and how it makes me feel.

So many things have died inside of me lately. So many endings. You would expect sadness to set it but it hasn’t; it just won’t. I’m like a forest full of trees, stuck between two seasons. My leaves are changing, parts of me are completely exposed for all to see but I’m overwhelmingly vivid. I am beautiful. Perhaps my glory is coming to an end for now. Maybe I’ll become completely covered in snow, silent and still for a while. But when I re-emerge I will be taller and stronger than ever.

Seasons are always changing, we are always just a few months away from a new beginning. And I am always an inspiration away from the next phase of myself. Ever-changing and always evolving.

One Day I Grew Up

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I woke up one day knowing that I wanted a change. I spent the entire next two months planning for this change. I gave my everything; I changed it. I moved on.

I wake up everyday exactly where I am supposed to be, being the person I’ve always wanted to be. The single most important thing in life is to be yourself. I don’t wait around to make changes anymore and I don’t hold back. I can’t remember the last time I held something inside and I’ve become an expert at sharing the way I feel. I don’t worry about how I am perceived. I know that I am living my dreams and I will never look back with a single regret. I rule my world and I’ve never felt better.

[Edit-14 hours later]

You can be the most independent, secure, strong, confident, grounded, free soul in the world but every once in a while you just want to hold the hand of that person that makes your heart flutter. That’s just human nature…

My Tribe

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Taking some time out tonight to reposition things into perspective. This would be the perfect moment to sit on a rooftop and enjoy the light drizzle from the clouds above. I remember those nights I would sit on my rooftop and take in the view of the city, close my eyes, drown out the loud sounds of chaos surrounding me, and just think. That was by far my favorite thinking spot. Just one short month until I am reunited with the city that stole my heart.

I recently watched a movie called “Fierce People” and it caused a stirring in my mind, as so many other things do. In the final dialogue of the film the main character states, “We are the sum of all people we have ever met; you change the tribe and the tribe changes you.”

The absolute true nature of this statement travels directly to the core of me and makes my soul glow. The importance of our everyday contact with strangers as well as friends is unmatched by any other venture in our lives. Life is interaction. Our interaction with each other. We learn and grow in these moments. Our lives shape and shift every time we meet someone new. We gain goodness and endure sadness. We redefine ourselves according to who we are close to. Choice is the most powerful weapon we will ever possess and we make choices depending on how it will affect the people around us. We are ruled by our environments and the people who live within them. We are all a part of each other.

I was thinking about how many times I’ve been changed and the truth is, it’s constant. As independent as I am, I am also easily influenced. Mostly because I have such a fascination with how people run their lives. I observe, attempt to benefit or at least understand and keep a piece of this with me at all times.

If I had to say how many times I think I’ve changed someone, I could honestly not answer. I do believe that impacting a life is such a powerful thing. I strive to always leave things better than I find them. I am convinced that just being true to myself and never changing who I am will alone change things. I will change things in my own ways, in my own time.

I am eternally grateful for my tribe.

Whichever Way The River Leads Me

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Someday when I’m older and grayer, I want to live by a river, in the middle of nowhere, surrounding by endless tall trees. I will no longer focus on what I want to accomplish and all the things I haven’t yet done. I won’t long for what I do not have. Instead I will look back on all the days of my life. The amazing people I have met, the times we have shared, the triumphs, the moments that changed me, the places I have traveled, the lessons I learned, the ways I made a difference, the woman I grew into. And I will smile.

Life can feel so heavy. Even with the intent and focus of enjoying every moment and just being happy, I become consumed by the weight of just “being”. I find myself dreaming of the day I can just relax and look back on it all.

Sometimes I feel like I’m off track. Approaching 31 with no real career path feels irresponsible at times. But as continually remind myself, this path is mine alone. I need only to live for the things that keep me feeling alive. If I give my all to the things that I feel passionate about, that is what will keep me going.

I exist in hopes of changing the world for the better. I want to make a difference. I believe I will. Every direction that I thought my life was going was wrong. But I know what I was meant to do. I understand why I am here. I am consistently gaining more understanding of the life I lead and I’ve never been so excited to see what the future holds. There is sure to be so much wisdom gained.

The Benefits of Spring

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‘Live the life you love,

Love the life you live.”

Sometime in the past week or so, the air finally began to change. The birds started singing loudly, the leaves are sprouting on various trees, flowers began to bloom and the grass is getting greener. Spring is here. My daily commute has felt much more enjoyable without all the layers and I desire to be outdoors as much as possible. Simply put, this weather is nothing short of a blessing in disguise.

I’ve been battling with some decisions and miscellaneous internal demons these past few weeks. Mostly regarding the next steps I will take in my life. I did have it all planned out but life happens and sometimes that causes me to think, possibly even over think. I was having overpowering surges of sadness as well as intense loneliness at times. I was missing many people back home. These feelings are normal and perhaps, in the moment, I let them get the best of me. But I have found that in these moments of sadness, I grow even stronger in my independence. Every time I have one of these waves of weakness/loneliness, I use it as motivation in some way. In the past I may have just slept the day away, ate way too much unhealthy crap, felt sorry for myself or cried uncontrollably. These days I understand myself better. I know I have to get out and do something, write something or create something. Lately I’ve been taking the dog on a lot of long walks, decorating my house and trying out a few new recipes a week. These things always make me feel happy.

This past Monday I took my first run outside since I’ve lived here. I remember walking these neighborhood streets when I first arrived and thinking of the day I would run them. That first night run I took was completely cleansing to say the least. I ran fast and hard but I felt so strong and steady. I let everything that had been bothering me just melt away. I imagined myself running that same path for the next few months and all I could do was smile. That’s when I decided it. I am staying in Ohio. It suites me. There is this part of my soul that knows that I am supposed to be here at this very time in my life. No matter the odds, the loneliness, sadness, struggle, distance from loved ones, longing for other places or the hardships, I will rise above it. I will persevere. This is my destiny. I just know it.

Everyday I feel more thankful to be myself and realize just how special that is. Every mistake, flaw and faulty piece keeps me grounded, reminds me of my roots, where I have been and where I am going.

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