Mind Cleansing

Forget about enlightenment. Sit down wherever you are and listen to the wind that is singing in your veins. Feel the love, the longing and the fear in your bones. Open your heart to who you are, right now, not who you would like to be. Not the saint you’re striving to become. But the being right here before you, inside you, around you. All of you is holy. You’re already more and less than whatever you can know. Breathe out, look in, let go.

~John Welwood

Knowledge is Power

The time is now.  I’m an official New York resident and I’m ready to move forward in my pursuit of happiness.  I will start school in the Fall and I will be successful at whatever I choose.  I have never been more determined to learn new things.  Life will move forward no matter how hard I must push.

The Good Stuff

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Sometimes you need to slow down and appreciate just how far you have come.

That’s exactly what I made time for this morning. Sitting at a french cafe in the heart of Chelsea, I reflected on the past few weeks. There is definite evidence of progress. I have been participating in and enjoying Bikram yoga for close to three months now. My friend and I signed up for a 5k Summer series in Prospect Park. Every other Wednesday throughout the summer we will run a 5k. Ran one so far and although it was rough getting back into it, I felt proud to be doing something I love again. Running always makes me feel so strong. I made a commitment to cut sugar out of my diet and successfully went a whole three weeks without a drop of it. During that time I also consumed no alcohol and while I did have a few beers after my detox was over in honor of celebration, I have decided to quit drinking almost indefinitely. I don’t feel that need to escape that I once did which alcohol used to provide me and mostly just feels like I am poisoning my body whenever I do drink. I always feel worse. I only want to participate in activities that are beneficial to my body; I want to be good to myself. I established a personal doctor again and have been in for a few visits, it has been years since I’ve paid any attention to those important details of my life. This morning I was informed that I lost 12 pounds and drastically improved my blood pressure since my previous visit. I can only continue to work hard at boosting my health. Because all that matters to me is that I am healthy; physically, mentally and spiritually.

Aside from the focus on my health and wellness, I also recently received a raise after I obtained my New York City Health Academy certification in Food Safety. It feels good to be able to buy a few more groceries and not work so hard to pay the bills. I’m also looking forward to being able to travel a bit more often, so long as I can afford it.

I’m close to a month away from a trip home. I cannot wait to see my loved ones, have some fun and laughter and recharge my spirit.

I believe that life is mostly about timing. Sometimes things happen at all the wrong moments. But then again, sometimes it all works out. I feel strongly that there are amazing things about to happen in my future. I’m not waiting around or anything. My everyday adventures are more than I could ask for. I have the best friends, most supportive and loving family, an open mind, a big heart and the desire to always experience new things constantly and learn as much as I can. I believe the universe is taking good care of me as well as all of the hard work I have been doing.

Oh and it has officially been one year since I moved back to New York. I am still so in love with this amazingly versatile city.
I am a very lucky and grateful woman.

My Dear Heart

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“My dear heart never think you are better than others. Listen to their sorrows with compassion. If you want peace, don’t harbour bad thoughts do not gossip and don’t teach what you do not know.”
~Rumi

Of Nothing In Particular

These last several weeks have been nothing sort of extraordinary.  I came, went, saw, laughed, learned, explored, discovered, shared, pushed, coped and conquered.

I’m very fortunate to work with an amazing as well as eclectic group of individuals.  They have exposed me to some very different things and ways of thinking.  In addition to just being great people, when I am around them, I always feel like I belong.  On an everyday basis I can feel misunderstood but when I’m around the people I work with, I feel right at home.  It never matters that I’m a thirty-one year old “Barista” that still has no idea what she wants to do with her life, because they are all right there with me; they get it.

Back in September, one of my friends who I work with put on his first official dance recital since being in NY. He’s a great guy with so much talent.

I finally gave EHarmony a try and even went on a date.  It was nice.  I had fun.  Dating had started to resemble a foreign language so it was nice to get back out there.  As to whether or not it will happen again any time soon… who knows.  Life is full of surprises.

Last month I had the wonderful opportunity to travel upstate with my good friend Caitlin for her annual “Family Fall Weekend”.  Every year she gathers friends and family to spend a weekend in Accord, NY in her warm and welcoming childhood home.  It was a weekend that I will not soon forget surrounded by amazing souls that truly made my heart happy.

I first saw Fiona Apple perform live back in 2006.  I’ve always had such a love for her music, voice and mostly her lyrics.  So when a chance came to she her again this year, I was ecstatic.  Words cannot describe how raw, real, emotional and inspirational the show was.  All I can say is that it was extremely touching and I enjoyed every moment.  Once in a lifetime experience to see her in New York City.

Probably the most priceless moment I’ve had lately is when my sister and my Mother came to visit me at the same time.  We had a week full of adventures and it was especially important to me that I had the chance to introduce my Mom to the wonderful ins and outs of my favourite city and also for her to understand what my life is like out here.  When Tiffany and I first moved away back in 2010 she said she never had any desire to visit NY.  I am so thankful she changed her mind.  The time we spent together was so important to me.  I love my Mom so much and miss her everyday.  Equally rad was to be able to see Tiffany again.  It’s hard to be so far away from her all the time.  She’s my rock and always has been.

Storm Sandy was the most intense natural disaster that I have ever experienced first hand.  Living through a real life tragedy really taught me a lot about human kind and especially the power of people when they join together to push through tough times.  The city is still struggling and will be for quite some time but it is wonderful to see how many organizations are committed to helping those in need.  I’m proud to be a New Yorker every day.  There is so much strength here.

Barely a week after Sandy and we got hit with our first snow storm of the season.  What a crazy surprise.  I have this love for snow that just wont quit.  Sure it’s cold, but so beautiful and mysterious.

I was lucky enough to visit the famous “Carnegie Hall” to see the New York Pops Symphony with my friend Sloan who had a press pass.  It was a religious experience that stimulated all the senses and put me in the perfect mood.  The night I shared with Sloan immediately following was just as fun.  I am so fortunate to have such fabulous friends here.

Between all these happenings it’s been my goal to continually gather up all that this city has to offer.  The holidays are just around the corner and this is my favorite time of year to walk the streets of New York.  It feels powerfully magical even on the days when you are aren’t quite feeling it.

Here’s to all the other firsts in my near future.  I plan on seeing and doing it all.

Some Place Simple

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Sometimes I know I still feel you
Driving through town, passing all those places
Your energy resides everywhere
In darkness and completely still
Time can’t hide your faces
Days when the missing becomes too much to bear
Close my eyes and take me back
Heart on my sleeve is all I ever wear
In another world, throughout different times
I belong to you, and you were mine
My feet don’t run,
I feel slow
I give my blessing but know not the meaning
We grow so much older every day
I’m still learning just what to say
While my heart I continue weaning

Full Moon Confessions

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When we are young, our capacity for dreaming seems unlimited, pure and without many boundaries. Possibilities are endless because our canvas is still mostly blank, the future is waiting to be written. We have very few mishaps embedded into memory and nothing can stop us. We are children. We are innocent. We believe in everything and everyone.

Eventually we begin to develop more direction and start to shape our lives into what we want and need. There is definitely that moment when everything seems to make sense and we really do believe that we know exactly what we want and are even certain that what we want is also what we need.

Throughout my twenties, I was so sure that I knew what I wanted. I could not have been more wrong. I never put my needs first and somehow I always let someone else make me feel like I wasn’t good enough for them. Well none of those people ever deserved to have me in their life in the first place.

This new chapter and decade of my life has already changed me dramatically. I know what I want, even if sometimes I don’t know how to get it. I know when enough is enough. I know when to fight and when to let go. I know who I am. I have become my own best friend.

There’s a great lesson to be learned when you don’t get what you always, always wanted. There’s a reason for that. You deserve better. The main thing that I could never understand from the time I was a child until very recently was that if I loved someone and they supposedly loved me, why did they not choose me, why were they not with me? Such a dreamer I was and so fucking blinded by love. I deserve more. I deserve someone who will fight for me. I deserve someone who will take care of me. I deserve someone to be there for the good and bad. I deserve someone who will let me grow and change and make all my dreams come true. I deserve someone who is proud to say they are with me. I deserve it all. I deserve the world.

I have only just begun. My future will be a beautiful symphony of moments that most will never see. I will celebrate silently.

Twists and Turns

Disclaimer: The end of this post is a bit harsh but needed to be said.  Please excuse my negativity.  It’s a one night kind of thing.

We live and we learn, right?  Making mistakes and being pushed to the absolute limit is what toughens us up.  This too, shall pass…

The truth is that it never really gets easier.  Things may change and they are sure to.  Constantly.  But there will always be that one thing that gets thrown in the mix that seems to kick us down.  I guess the trick is to face that obstacle head on and say, “no I will not let you defeat me.”  I welcome those challenges and while I haven’t and still don’t always know what to do when faced with adversity, I will do whatever it takes amidst the chaos to get myself back on track.

At this point in my life so many things are becoming clearer.  I am finally using what I’ve learned and experienced to my advantage.  This year has taught me more than I could have ever imagined and I would never want to go back and change a second of it.  Sure there are things that still hurt.  But the hurting is less and less frequent and it just reminds me of where I have been and who I’ve become.

Overall I know that my life is sacred.  I deserve to be happy and treated with respect, always.  Knowing and really believing that has been my greatest success.

With that being said I truly hope that if any of the negative people from my past happen to still be following this blog for some reason that you leave now.  Take your cowardly, disrespectful, abusive, dishonest, deceitful, domineering, aggressive, manipulative, inconsiderate, thoughtless piece of shit of a person back to your own life and stay out of my business.  Yep.  You know who you are.