Remembrance

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There’s a trick to the ‘graceful exit.’ It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over — and let it go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity or its past importance to our lives. It involves a sense of future, a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving up, rather than out.

sNice Vegetarian Cafe
May 2011-April 2014
My favorite job
My favorite restaurant
My best friends
The real me
Eternally grateful

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Twists and Turns Too

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What really matters in this world; my own world? I guess that question has been on my mind this week. Heavy with the news I will be laid off at the end of April, I turned my head upon the sky a few nights back.  My gaze fell upon all those stars which on that particular night where illuminating the sky beyond the norm I have come to expect in this big city life.  Speaking of my city, we are at a sort of odds lately. I chose to walk the Brooklyn Bridge recently (something I used to do often) in hopes of soaking up some of the magic it seems I have lost. Blending in among the tourists, I slowed my stroll and let go of the urgency. Breathing in a slow waltz, I took in the view; breathtaking as always.

 

The stars were radiant that night and I rested my eyes.  I wonder if you still see them or feel them as I do. Intertwined and intermixed ages ago, severely separated in current days.

My current job is surely my favorite of all I’ve held. I don’t believe I started really living or understanding until I felt comfortable being me.  I met my best friends and I finally discovered my true self. They taught me everything. I am eternally grateful. I learned so very much and I don’t want to let go.  Sometimes though, it is just time to say goodbye. I could mourn another loss or let my newest endeavors guide me. I finally feel significance in my path. So I may feel a little lost without these things that have become my norm but the future, as it always has, will keep my soul alive.

 

 

Smoke

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Hey girl, its not you

Get going, get gone

Wild things kept you here

Winds now blow you away

Mazes in an uncharted ride

You won’t be blind

Soon you’ll find

White noises won’t wake you

Those binds will take you

The truth will break you

Reality has sprung

No longer an option

To dream the ending

Obsolete and incomplete

The final countdown has begun

The Sand In My Hourglass

In a way, I’ve been running on empty.  Day to day, month to month, for the past year or so. It’s sort of like I am waiting for something big to happen.  I keep expecting it.  I don’t know exactly what it is but I guess I thought it might just fall into my lap.  Well that is not the case at all.

Now don’t misunderstand me.  It’s not that I don’t have things I want.  I do in small forms here and there.  The big things, however, are certainly missing.  These things seem to surround and encompass me in almost every breath I take.  Families, children, graduations, stability, education, basic necessities, love…  Etc. Etc.  Etc.  As I say often, I am nothing but thankful for the small things I do have but it sure doesn’t keep me from wanting and wishing for much more.

I have conformed myself to live more in the moment than plan for the future.  I think that is what keeps me moving and really explains my more recent relocation patterns. Once I boarded that plane to move my life to New York there was no looking back for me.  I was finally free from everything I ever was.  I was this new brave soul, ready to explore.  I have done just that and although I am still feeling quite wild-spirited and could really end up anywhere, recent events have set off some sirens in my head.  I need to examine my intentions and decide if this is the life I really want for myself.

Sometimes I think my trouble is that I want everything.  There were times, while residing in New York, that I dreamt of a less chaotic, quieter, slower-paced country life.  But now as I sit here in a life closer to what I imagined back then, my heart aches to be back in the city.  I miss the liveliness, the cultures, the history, the people, the energy, the acceptance; I miss the way it all made me feel so alive.  Most of all, I miss the way I was completely and totally myself and always fit in. Everyone was different in so many ways but you were celebrated for that.  I haven’t found my place here yet and it feels so much more difficult to make friends.  I might say that is the hardest part.  Being away from my friends.  After my sister moved back to Arizona a few weeks ago, it became even more difficult to keep myself from feeling lonely.  But I’m not giving up.

Recently my Grandmother passed away.  She was the last one, on both my Mother and Father’s side, to go.  It was sad of course but we knew it was coming.  She was living in pain for so long.  I’m glad she can finally be at peace.  This was difficult on the family in many ways.  Out of the seven of them(Mom, Dad and five children), there are only three left.

My mother made her way from Ohio to live in Arizona when she was just 18 years old.  She was raised in a very small town, had a childhood overshadowed by physical abuse as well as alcoholism and just could not stand to be there anymore.  Over the years she has been back home to visit as often as she could but sadly a good portion of these visits have been for funerals.  I know that the passing of her Mom was the hardest for her because she felt bad for not being around more often.

I realize we have to live our own lives.  We grow up, have our dreams to fulfill and can’t always continue to live near our families.  But I can’t help but think that maybe I need to go back sooner than later.  I don’t want to look back and regret not spending more time with the ones I love.  Time seems to be moving so much faster these days.  I will never get to do this over and anything could happen.  I still don’t know the answer but I sure wish I did.  I guess for now I will continue to send my love long distance and be strong.  All I can do is keep creating a better me and be a part of things I can be proud of.  I’m still working on the big things and for now I can only find comfort in the small ones.  I know I have to take things one day at a time.