The Sand In My Hourglass

In a way, I’ve been running on empty.  Day to day, month to month, for the past year or so. It’s sort of like I am waiting for something big to happen.  I keep expecting it.  I don’t know exactly what it is but I guess I thought it might just fall into my lap.  Well that is not the case at all.

Now don’t misunderstand me.  It’s not that I don’t have things I want.  I do in small forms here and there.  The big things, however, are certainly missing.  These things seem to surround and encompass me in almost every breath I take.  Families, children, graduations, stability, education, basic necessities, love…  Etc. Etc.  Etc.  As I say often, I am nothing but thankful for the small things I do have but it sure doesn’t keep me from wanting and wishing for much more.

I have conformed myself to live more in the moment than plan for the future.  I think that is what keeps me moving and really explains my more recent relocation patterns. Once I boarded that plane to move my life to New York there was no looking back for me.  I was finally free from everything I ever was.  I was this new brave soul, ready to explore.  I have done just that and although I am still feeling quite wild-spirited and could really end up anywhere, recent events have set off some sirens in my head.  I need to examine my intentions and decide if this is the life I really want for myself.

Sometimes I think my trouble is that I want everything.  There were times, while residing in New York, that I dreamt of a less chaotic, quieter, slower-paced country life.  But now as I sit here in a life closer to what I imagined back then, my heart aches to be back in the city.  I miss the liveliness, the cultures, the history, the people, the energy, the acceptance; I miss the way it all made me feel so alive.  Most of all, I miss the way I was completely and totally myself and always fit in. Everyone was different in so many ways but you were celebrated for that.  I haven’t found my place here yet and it feels so much more difficult to make friends.  I might say that is the hardest part.  Being away from my friends.  After my sister moved back to Arizona a few weeks ago, it became even more difficult to keep myself from feeling lonely.  But I’m not giving up.

Recently my Grandmother passed away.  She was the last one, on both my Mother and Father’s side, to go.  It was sad of course but we knew it was coming.  She was living in pain for so long.  I’m glad she can finally be at peace.  This was difficult on the family in many ways.  Out of the seven of them(Mom, Dad and five children), there are only three left.

My mother made her way from Ohio to live in Arizona when she was just 18 years old.  She was raised in a very small town, had a childhood overshadowed by physical abuse as well as alcoholism and just could not stand to be there anymore.  Over the years she has been back home to visit as often as she could but sadly a good portion of these visits have been for funerals.  I know that the passing of her Mom was the hardest for her because she felt bad for not being around more often.

I realize we have to live our own lives.  We grow up, have our dreams to fulfill and can’t always continue to live near our families.  But I can’t help but think that maybe I need to go back sooner than later.  I don’t want to look back and regret not spending more time with the ones I love.  Time seems to be moving so much faster these days.  I will never get to do this over and anything could happen.  I still don’t know the answer but I sure wish I did.  I guess for now I will continue to send my love long distance and be strong.  All I can do is keep creating a better me and be a part of things I can be proud of.  I’m still working on the big things and for now I can only find comfort in the small ones.  I know I have to take things one day at a time.