Today I felt the sun. The warmth was familiar yet something I have been missing for the last six months. It feels as if Spring has finally arrived and I’m thankful to be rid of the aching cold in my bones. It is beautiful around here this time of year and I’ve been spending much of my time outside wandering about and snapping pictures of it all.
As I lay basking in the glorious weather atop my roof I began wondering what the rest of this year has in store for me. Clearly it will be whatever I make of it. Only I can decide because I am in charge of my own world. Still, part of me always holds on to that bit of hope that something unexpectedly wonderful is about to happen.
I could use a surprise.
A collection I’ve constructed in my last few weeks of running outside. My neighborhood is an endless adventure.
‘Live the life you love,
Love the life you live.”
Sometime in the past week or so, the air finally began to change. The birds started singing loudly, the leaves are sprouting on various trees, flowers began to bloom and the grass is getting greener. Spring is here. My daily commute has felt much more enjoyable without all the layers and I desire to be outdoors as much as possible. Simply put, this weather is nothing short of a blessing in disguise.
I’ve been battling with some decisions and miscellaneous internal demons these past few weeks. Mostly regarding the next steps I will take in my life. I did have it all planned out but life happens and sometimes that causes me to think, possibly even over think. I was having overpowering surges of sadness as well as intense loneliness at times. I was missing many people back home. These feelings are normal and perhaps, in the moment, I let them get the best of me. But I have found that in these moments of sadness, I grow even stronger in my independence. Every time I have one of these waves of weakness/loneliness, I use it as motivation in some way. In the past I may have just slept the day away, ate way too much unhealthy crap, felt sorry for myself or cried uncontrollably. These days I understand myself better. I know I have to get out and do something, write something or create something. Lately I’ve been taking the dog on a lot of long walks, decorating my house and trying out a few new recipes a week. These things always make me feel happy.
This past Monday I took my first run outside since I’ve lived here. I remember walking these neighborhood streets when I first arrived and thinking of the day I would run them. That first night run I took was completely cleansing to say the least. I ran fast and hard but I felt so strong and steady. I let everything that had been bothering me just melt away. I imagined myself running that same path for the next few months and all I could do was smile. That’s when I decided it. I am staying in Ohio. It suites me. There is this part of my soul that knows that I am supposed to be here at this very time in my life. No matter the odds, the loneliness, sadness, struggle, distance from loved ones, longing for other places or the hardships, I will rise above it. I will persevere. This is my destiny. I just know it.
Everyday I feel more thankful to be myself and realize just how special that is. Every mistake, flaw and faulty piece keeps me grounded, reminds me of my roots, where I have been and where I am going.
I’ve been in a stupid, lame and inexcusable mood lately. The good thing is that it usually just takes one really great day to bring me back and snap me out of it. Today brought me back to life. I actually feel stable and not worried about anything. Nothing. The weather has been unbelievable so I have been walking everywhere, including nightly strolls through the park with the dog. I started my regular gym routine again. That alone has really boosted my demeanor. I re-arranged my room just to change my environment a little. That always makes a difference.
Tomorrow I start my new job and I don’t feel at all nervous, for now anyways. I’m excited to meet some new people and challenge myself again. That’s what life is all about. Looking forward to being able to save money again for the first time in years.
Today I am proud of me. For being exactly who am. Sometimes I tend to need validation from others no matter how much my confidence has improved, but not today. I am, without a doubt, still very much a work in progress. But in this moment I’m positive that I fucking rule, flaws and all.