Titanium

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We should all learn how to make our house a home. What I mean by that it simple. No matter where you are in your life, with regards to age or location, make it count. Sometimes waiting for the “right” moment to do or say something can affect us negatively. Be present in the moment; one day this will only be a memory. A very distant one.

As someone who has resided in several different environments in the past couple years, I understand the importance of re-gaining a new sort of “comfort-zone” anywhere I go. Occasionally all it takes is having an organized, warm and inviting living space to come home to every day. The traveler in me has also discovered that there are many spots around this city that have become like second-homes to me. Nature is a wonderful thing and often provides me with the serenity I crave.

As an independent woman, I sometimes struggle with balancing my self-sufficient nature with the need for companionship. Without the intent of doing so, I must somehow be interpreted by others as not ever needing a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on. The opposite is true though. In reality, I thirst for it more so. There are times I long for my adolescent days when I was still so naive and pure. I wish my mind could travel back to that innocence, before I knew so much. I was softer, slower, wide-eyed and hungry; I was just a young girl looking for any chance to love.

So here I am and up to this point I was one of those people who believed everything just happened according to the way it was supposed to, for a reason. How could I ever buy into this? Think of all the factors that come into play in our everyday lives. This would mean that everything in life is predestined. That theory is a hard one to swallow and false. Things will happen out of nowhere and devastate you, its bound to happen. You choose your reactions and the way you cope. My new theory is make yourself happy. Don’t ever wait for someone else to “save you”. I’m not saying that there aren’t people out there that will challenge you, change you and shape your lives in unimaginable ways. But we can’t sit around and wait for anything. We have to live, among the good and the bad. Overall I maintain a high faith in people unless they prove otherwise. Even then I forgive so easily that sometimes I question how I continue to hold onto this much belief and trust. I guess it’s just that I will forever refuse to live angry, bitter or hold grudges. What did that ever solve or prove? Nothing. It feels so heavy to carry around anything other than an open and clear mind. Ultimately, I am a lover and not a fighter. Those who I have warred with have only taught me more about myself and I’ve learned from it.

I’m not plotting battles, planning attacks or scheming things. I exist to live, love and protect those I care about. And in a world where people are exposing, flaunting, faking, fighting, judging, stealing, cheating, wounding and hurting each other, it just feels good to know my intentions are virtuous. I’ll always use my powers towards good, not evil.

Tastes Like Home

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There’s this game I play; drifting between ups and downs, the new and the old. I do it to myself because I am ultimately the one that decided to put so much distance between my new and old worlds. During my recent visit home, I was on a complete high and the warmest most comforting feelings consumed me. I was surrounding by loved ones. Now back in New York, I am still filled with comfort; just a very different kind. There is this rush I get from being on my own out here. When I step out of my apartment into the energy of this city, I experience independence and confidence. Every day is this new adventure where my surroundings constantly change. There is magic in the air.

Now that I am almost fully re-established, it is time to make things happen. Destiny awaits.

Potential

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There is always hope. When the darkness tries to take over, step in and make changes. Let a little sunshine in. I had a few painful days, emotionally and physically, but the true Jamie is back in the game. I have to remind myself to hold onto the good and get rid of the poisonous things in my life. It’s as simple as that. This new space of mine is empty but screaming for attention. Cup of coffee by my side, sprawled in the middle of my gigantic wooden living room floor, I imagined exactly what I wish my home would look like. It always starts small. A rug here, a lamp there, perhaps a new paper towel holder and some picture frames; it begins to feel safe again, as it should. There is so much potential here. This new city, this new home; Me. I’m starting to feel safe again.