So yes, blog selfies are a bit silly. But this year is all about confidence and now is one of those times where I truly feel beautiful, inside and out. Life is full of so much passion and hope. I wish to always feel just as inspired as I do in this very moment. Inner peace changes everything.
Here’s to the good days. They help to overcome the bad ones.
Today I felt the sun. The warmth was familiar yet something I have been missing for the last six months. It feels as if Spring has finally arrived and I’m thankful to be rid of the aching cold in my bones. It is beautiful around here this time of year and I’ve been spending much of my time outside wandering about and snapping pictures of it all.
As I lay basking in the glorious weather atop my roof I began wondering what the rest of this year has in store for me. Clearly it will be whatever I make of it. Only I can decide because I am in charge of my own world. Still, part of me always holds on to that bit of hope that something unexpectedly wonderful is about to happen.
I could use a surprise.
I very much like doing my own thing. I have been making a lot of big decisions lately and for once it doesn’t feel so scary. It just feels right. I’ve never been very good at being an adult but I guess I finally figured it out. You do what you have to do; to keep yourself moving forward, to prevent yourself from moving backwards, to stay motivated, to feel safe, to secure a future.
I’ve held onto many hopes, dreamt many dreams and fancied many things in my time. But I finally decided what is going to push myself further. I know what is going to set me aside from others and how my life is going to feel like it has purpose again. It all has to do with traveling and 2013 will be my year. It just has to be.
Someday when I’m older and grayer, I want to live by a river, in the middle of nowhere, surrounding by endless tall trees. I will no longer focus on what I want to accomplish and all the things I haven’t yet done. I won’t long for what I do not have. Instead I will look back on all the days of my life. The amazing people I have met, the times we have shared, the triumphs, the moments that changed me, the places I have traveled, the lessons I learned, the ways I made a difference, the woman I grew into. And I will smile.
Life can feel so heavy. Even with the intent and focus of enjoying every moment and just being happy, I become consumed by the weight of just “being”. I find myself dreaming of the day I can just relax and look back on it all.
Sometimes I feel like I’m off track. Approaching 31 with no real career path feels irresponsible at times. But as continually remind myself, this path is mine alone. I need only to live for the things that keep me feeling alive. If I give my all to the things that I feel passionate about, that is what will keep me going.
I exist in hopes of changing the world for the better. I want to make a difference. I believe I will. Every direction that I thought my life was going was wrong. But I know what I was meant to do. I understand why I am here. I am consistently gaining more understanding of the life I lead and I’ve never been so excited to see what the future holds. There is sure to be so much wisdom gained.
So many different ways my clouded mind has been drifting lately. The good and the bad. Oh the bad…It’s been following me everywhere I go. The hurt and the past. Neither of which are of any use to me. I have been hoping for the strength to overcome these recent internal waves of darkness.
I’ve decided to stick with love. I don’t need the countless other negative emotions that try to block out the good in me. The parts of me that were meant to shine.
Recent endeavors guided by meditation have taught me that most of the turmoil in our lives come from our egos and overall fear. This chaos causes much of our anger. Well I refuse to be angry. I’m still working on letting go of my fear. At times it can be difficult not to fear ending up alone, especially when so many others around me have their someone. But then again, I guess that makes me special. My person is still out there searching, as am I. Maybe on this journey to find myself, someday I will feel whole again. Without needing anyone else to validate me. I’m still learning about all the reasons why I’m good enough. I just have to remember to believe.
So love wins. Because it’s all I’ve ever had to give. The broken parts of me aren’t strong enough to hold me down anymore. These new parts of me that I’ve built are much stronger. I’m still holding onto hope. It’s all I have now. And I will not let go.
So I used to be that girl. You know the one. Bitter about that fateful day that rolls around once a year. Valentine’s Day. But I’ve lived and oh how I have learned. Now I laugh at the way my views once were and I want to share the way I have changed. I believe I’ve learned a thing or two. So listen up.
I have never really been someone’s “girlfriend,” so to speak. I have loved a select few and I will certainly not deny that. It felt wonderful at the time and I wouldn’t trade it in for anything. Ever. But in all my time out there amidst my dating adventures, I have never been someone’s everything. I have witnessed first hand the way men act when they are truly and deeply in love with a women. They will do whatever it takes to be with them. I have never been “the one.” Certainly I don’t know what it feels like to have a man proclaim his love for me to the whole world around us. I was always that naive girl who believed in something that wasn’t really there. I just always had brief moments of bliss, somewhere in between temporary and not-quite something worth mentioning because it just wasn’t on that level.
The past did have its moments. When the world stopped and all I saw was that person, all I felt was the intense beating of my heart while in their presence. I wanted nothing more than to be in the arms of the one I was sure was meant to mine forever.
Forever is a tricky thing. I have challenged the idea of this so many times and the topic of marriage and commitment is something I openly discuss with those around me that are willing to listen. My views have undoubtedly changed as is expected but I finally feel my thoughts are justified. See I have been the other woman before, the mistress, the one on the side. More than once. Judge me if you want. I don’t give a fuck. I’ve done enough judging of myself as it is. I don’t set out looking to get involved with those that are already involved. I suppose it is my nature, I’m just very open and not afraid to share what is on my mind. I speak openly regarding sex, often. From what I gather, when men cheat on their wives it is not usually from lack of loving them. It is all about attention and of course sex.
So this leads me to the topic of the eternal ties of marriage. I think its wonderful if two individuals can find a way to make this work. Admirable even. But I don’t believe in it, for me personally. How are we to know what the future holds? Who we could possibly meet? How we will change and what needs we may have down the road? I understand it is a commitment that is made, a promise to love and honor that person no matter what. But who actually sticks to this promise? People hurt each other constantly. I never want to put myself in that situation. It’s one thing to be in a relationship and to cheat but marriage is different. I don’t want to end up hurting someone and I definitely don’t need to be hurt in that way. Betrayal is one thing I’m on a mission to steer clear of. I don’t need any more heartache.
I feel very lucky to have never been someone’s everything. I’m glad a man never fell for me completely. This keeps me grounded and I feel secure as a strong and independent single woman on a daily basis. I love myself more for exactly that reason and I know how much of a prize I am to be won. I’m not saying I don’t want to fall in love again. Honestly, I really do. I just hope that it is a completely different feeling than anything I’ve ever been through. I deserve to be fought for and I will not ever settle for anything less.
I imagine my man is out there searching for me somewhere. Someday we will surely meet.
I wish for no more pain and only happiness. Love and companionship and never a moment of loneliness. Clarity, an open mind, peace and comfort. Infinite hope and the ability to believe in the worst of times. Abundant amounts of strength and everlasting passion. I wish to have every last dream come true. I know that things happen only when they are meant to and that I must hold on until it is my time. I can only hope that I can resist the emptiness that sometimes wants to take me over. I will continue to be a bright shining light in my own life and do everything within my power to keep myself content. My heart will stay safe. I’ll make sure of it.
Happy Holidays to you all. I hope you have family, friends, new memories to last you a lifetime and most importantly
There is always hope. When the darkness tries to take over, step in and make changes. Let a little sunshine in. I had a few painful days, emotionally and physically, but the true Jamie is back in the game. I have to remind myself to hold onto the good and get rid of the poisonous things in my life. It’s as simple as that. This new space of mine is empty but screaming for attention. Cup of coffee by my side, sprawled in the middle of my gigantic wooden living room floor, I imagined exactly what I wish my home would look like. It always starts small. A rug here, a lamp there, perhaps a new paper towel holder and some picture frames; it begins to feel safe again, as it should. There is so much potential here. This new city, this new home; Me. I’m starting to feel safe again.
I’m not going to stop until I make it, because I will make it. When I do, I will begin a new challenge. Because we all need something to fight for. We are all in the middle of some battle that needs winning. We do the best we can with what we have, wherever we are. In that sense I am no different. In my mind, where the wheels never stop turning, lives a consistent roar of life and hope; faith even. I never give up. No matter what you think of me, I always believe. I have been broken just as we all have. But that does not define me. It never will. I am so much more than I have yet to show. You don’t really see me; just through me. Never forget my name. I will make a difference in this world day by day as I conquer my fears and dreams. I don’t need weapons to survive.
One of my former supervisors shared this with me and now I would like to pass it on:
The most destructive habit- Worry
The greatest joy- Giving
The greatest loss- Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work- Helping others
The most endangered species- Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource- Our youth
The greatest “shot in the arm”- Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome- Fear
The most effective sleeping pill- Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease- Excuses
The most powerful force in life- Love
The most dangerous pariah- A gossiper
The world’s most incredible computer- The brain
The worst thing to be without- Hope
The deadliest weapon- The tongue
The two most power-filled words- “I Can”
The greatest asset- Faith
The most worthless emotion- Self-pity
The most beautiful attire- A smile
The most prized possession- Integrity
The most contagious spirit- Enthusiasm