The Good Stuff

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Sometimes you need to slow down and appreciate just how far you have come.

That’s exactly what I made time for this morning. Sitting at a french cafe in the heart of Chelsea, I reflected on the past few weeks. There is definite evidence of progress. I have been participating in and enjoying Bikram yoga for close to three months now. My friend and I signed up for a 5k Summer series in Prospect Park. Every other Wednesday throughout the summer we will run a 5k. Ran one so far and although it was rough getting back into it, I felt proud to be doing something I love again. Running always makes me feel so strong. I made a commitment to cut sugar out of my diet and successfully went a whole three weeks without a drop of it. During that time I also consumed no alcohol and while I did have a few beers after my detox was over in honor of celebration, I have decided to quit drinking almost indefinitely. I don’t feel that need to escape that I once did which alcohol used to provide me and mostly just feels like I am poisoning my body whenever I do drink. I always feel worse. I only want to participate in activities that are beneficial to my body; I want to be good to myself. I established a personal doctor again and have been in for a few visits, it has been years since I’ve paid any attention to those important details of my life. This morning I was informed that I lost 12 pounds and drastically improved my blood pressure since my previous visit. I can only continue to work hard at boosting my health. Because all that matters to me is that I am healthy; physically, mentally and spiritually.

Aside from the focus on my health and wellness, I also recently received a raise after I obtained my New York City Health Academy certification in Food Safety. It feels good to be able to buy a few more groceries and not work so hard to pay the bills. I’m also looking forward to being able to travel a bit more often, so long as I can afford it.

I’m close to a month away from a trip home. I cannot wait to see my loved ones, have some fun and laughter and recharge my spirit.

I believe that life is mostly about timing. Sometimes things happen at all the wrong moments. But then again, sometimes it all works out. I feel strongly that there are amazing things about to happen in my future. I’m not waiting around or anything. My everyday adventures are more than I could ask for. I have the best friends, most supportive and loving family, an open mind, a big heart and the desire to always experience new things constantly and learn as much as I can. I believe the universe is taking good care of me as well as all of the hard work I have been doing.

Oh and it has officially been one year since I moved back to New York. I am still so in love with this amazingly versatile city.
I am a very lucky and grateful woman.

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The Perks

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In case I haven’t said this enough, I’m surrounded by great people. Recent interactions with certain “friends” made me realize this even more so.

I’m at a time of exploration in my life. In order to continually grow, I expose myself to as many new things as possible. Perhaps lately some of these choices have been on the risky side. But, as always I treat things with an open mind and I am always safe about it.

There seems to be those times in life. When you feel resistance from the people who have known you the longest. They say they are just watching out for you, they have your “best interest” in mind. But I don’t buy that. If you care about someone, it shouldn’t be a conditional thing. While I expect and appreciate some concerns to be expressed, I will not stand for the judgement.

We have to let each other expand our horizons. We all have different lives full of so many different battles. I’m happy with me but I’m still struggling to find my place. If you don’t understand that enough to stick by me through my explorations, than you weren’t really a part of me in the first place.

I will never slow down or stop doing anything I want to be doing. I am going to try it all. This is my only chance to experience all this world has to offer and I intend on doing so.

My Dear Heart

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“My dear heart never think you are better than others. Listen to their sorrows with compassion. If you want peace, don’t harbour bad thoughts do not gossip and don’t teach what you do not know.”
~Rumi

Love Yourself

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For a very long time I never appreciated who I am. Although there was never a shortage of love in my life, from my wonderful family and friends, I still could not feel it. I spent a good portion of my days very low at times and lived in an unhealthy amount of darkness. I always fell for the ones who didn’t appreciate me. I loved them with all that I possibly could but there never seemed to be reciprocation on a near level. This wasn’t the fault of the men I chose, just the way it happened. It was life. It was growing pains. It was all necessary in the grand scope of things.

 

As much as I was searching and yearning to gain the love from those that I felt so deeply for, it was always something inside of me that was absent. I was learning self-acceptance. I was gaining an understanding of the person who was staring back at me in the mirror. After 31 years, I truly love myself. This isn’t some statement that I’m making in hopes of believing; it’s real. A friend asked me the other day how I learned to be comfortable being independent. I told her that I simply spent a lot of time alone and worked hard at getting to know every detail of myself. I studied my thoughts, feelings, reactions and emotions. As I emerged from all that time, I realized how valuable and extraordinary I am. And I’ll never forget it.

 

If you don’t love yourself, nothing else really matters. It’s great to love someone else but you cannot possibly give your all to someone if you are broken. As much as I am hopeful that I will find my other half someday I know that I will be okay without that. Because the truth is, I am already whole. I am me, with or without someone else.

If you don’t already, search within yourself to figure it all out. Love yourself. We are all worth that.

 

 

 

Forward

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Sometimes I think that the fact I’ve been single for so long has really changed me. It wasn’t until recently that I noticed that this change was a positive one.

I needed all that time I spent over the last few years. I was searching for something. I was searching for myself. I needed to fall down again and again, to lose things and people I loved, to realize that dreams I once believed in were not meant to come true; those dreams no longer belong to me.

I walked into something completely new. After all the emotions I have felt through the years, it should have been difficult for me. But it wasn’t. I was this confident, grown woman that I somehow had turned into. I didn’t even recognize myself.

It’s funny. All I could think of was Sammy. The way my heart felt when our communication first began. How he made me feel like I was on top of the world. I was the happiest I can remember myself in so very long. Then I remembered how I fell for him and let him become such a big part of me and my life. Even then, I still hid a lot of who I was. I was very reserved in many ways and kept so much inside. I was blissfully in love with him but continued to keep all my walls up. I should have been myself. I just couldn’t. Although that relationship hurt me beyond words, I don’t recall the bad times. Just the way it felt when I was his everything.

Thinking back made me think ahead. I am just hoping for someone who is good to me. Someone who can and wants to take care of me, even when I say I don’t need it. Someone understands all the crazy pieces that make me who I am. And most of all I just want the comfort of being able to be myself. Isn’t that what we are all searching for? Someone to love us for who we really are?

So still moving forward with all the things the past has taught me. Waiting to someday fall into that feeling all over again. Except this time, walls down.

One Day I Grew Up

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I woke up one day knowing that I wanted a change. I spent the entire next two months planning for this change. I gave my everything; I changed it. I moved on.

I wake up everyday exactly where I am supposed to be, being the person I’ve always wanted to be. The single most important thing in life is to be yourself. I don’t wait around to make changes anymore and I don’t hold back. I can’t remember the last time I held something inside and I’ve become an expert at sharing the way I feel. I don’t worry about how I am perceived. I know that I am living my dreams and I will never look back with a single regret. I rule my world and I’ve never felt better.

[Edit-14 hours later]

You can be the most independent, secure, strong, confident, grounded, free soul in the world but every once in a while you just want to hold the hand of that person that makes your heart flutter. That’s just human nature…

There is a Time for Everything

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This was read at my Grandmother’s service and although I am positive I have heard it before, it struck me like never before. So very wise and completely true:

“To everything there is a season, and
a time to every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, and
a time to die;
a time to plant, and
a time to pluck up
that which is planted;

A time to kill, and
a time to heal;
a time to break down, and
a time to build up;

A time to weep, and
a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and
a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and
a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and
a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to get, and
a time to lose;
a time to keep, and
a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and
a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and
a time to speak;

A time to love, and
a time to hate;
a time of war; and
a time of peace.”

We, as people making our way through this life full of tragedy, must remember these simple words.

I feel so much less alone when I face my life as a realist. I am going to be happy sometimes. I will get hurt. I will cry. I will screw up. No matter how hard I work, some things will fall apart. I’m likely to hurt others. I will get some things I want and other things are just not meant for me. No matter how badly I wish for certain things or people, I still cannot have them. Someday I will die and cease existence. Nothing can stop time. I must accept all these things.

All this is less scary when I approach it with such objectivity. Even with my tendency to otherwise access life based on emotions, I understand that I must face reality and this alone helps me sleep much sounder at night.