Gratitude-Day 8

Be thankful for memories but don’t get lost inside of them. There is so much more to see and experience. The best is yet to come.
Today I’m grateful for moving on to bigger and better things. I have new memories to create. I’m excited to move forward.

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I Don’t Play Games

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I recently was told that I need to pay more attention to playing “the game”. While I appreciate the advice they were trying to pass along and I am, in fact, familiar with that “game”, I won’t be joining in.

I decided some time ago to be real; to be myself. Perhaps I’ll always be “too nice” and let my feelings show “too soon” and wear my emotions on my sleeve a bit too often. If these are the reasons I am still single at 31, then so be it. I’m holding out for someone who wants, loves and appreciates who I really am. I’m passed the point of games.

I used to be ashamed of who I was and it took me so long to grow. I’ve dug so deep to get to the core of my being and I’m not afraid to show it.

In the beginning of a new year there seems to be a lot of talk about all the things that went wrong in the previous year. But what about everything that didn’t? I always enjoy a bit of reflection on the previous year and my favorite moments. What wonderful memories can you recall? What are you proud of? Here are a few of mine:

  • Ran my first 5k
  • Spent time enjoying the beauty of Ohio
  • Enjoyed dating again
  • Relocated back to New York City
  • Made new friends
  • Decided what I want to do with my life
  • Yoga
  • My Mother visited New York
  • Let go

Whichever Way The River Leads Me

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Someday when I’m older and grayer, I want to live by a river, in the middle of nowhere, surrounding by endless tall trees. I will no longer focus on what I want to accomplish and all the things I haven’t yet done. I won’t long for what I do not have. Instead I will look back on all the days of my life. The amazing people I have met, the times we have shared, the triumphs, the moments that changed me, the places I have traveled, the lessons I learned, the ways I made a difference, the woman I grew into. And I will smile.

Life can feel so heavy. Even with the intent and focus of enjoying every moment and just being happy, I become consumed by the weight of just “being”. I find myself dreaming of the day I can just relax and look back on it all.

Sometimes I feel like I’m off track. Approaching 31 with no real career path feels irresponsible at times. But as continually remind myself, this path is mine alone. I need only to live for the things that keep me feeling alive. If I give my all to the things that I feel passionate about, that is what will keep me going.

I exist in hopes of changing the world for the better. I want to make a difference. I believe I will. Every direction that I thought my life was going was wrong. But I know what I was meant to do. I understand why I am here. I am consistently gaining more understanding of the life I lead and I’ve never been so excited to see what the future holds. There is sure to be so much wisdom gained.

The Pursuit

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In many ways, my moods reflect the phases of the moon. At times I feel bright, vibrant and full; I rule my life in the way she owns the night sky. But after this fullness I do tend to dwindle. Parts of me feel broken, missing and I just feel, plainly stated, less whole.

I am fairly convinced that it is damn near impossible to explain in words the way my mind functions. But I am going to give it my best shot. I have a constant, fast-moving collection of what I would call an endless pool of data racing throughout my thoughts. I realize that it is normal to process many things at once and we all do this, but somehow the situation in my head has its differences and I’m sure of it. Often it feels like I might explode if I don’t release, share or document this information in some way. Most music, conversations, pictures, images, memories, art, observations, etc. set off chain reactions in my thought process. I’m visualizing what pictures I could take, what stories I could tell, what I need to document, how to understand the situation I am in, how to understand myself, feeling intense emotions and even trying to recall when I last felt the same way or was in a similar situation. I guess the things that I’m drawn to most are music, words and images. Writing and photography are the main driving forces in my existence. I’m most alive when I have written my thoughts out into words or I have expressed my feelings through a picture I have taken. These two creative outlets of mine always contribute to my happiness. Both are eternal. The words I’ve written and pictures I’ve taken will always live on. Forever. No matter where I end up, I can always take myself back to any previous moment in my life. Most importantly I can re-live the same feelings, whether that is something I wish to do or not.

I used to think my heart was weak and easily broken. Now that I have grown up some and know myself better, I have a better understanding. My heart is just very full. I am someone who will never stop giving and caring for an endless number of people. I love so many in countless ways. I will never stop myself from feeling. Although at times I did believe the answer was to shut myself off and try not to get attached in any way. I can’t and will not do that. I fall for people easily. I don’t mean this in regards to relationships solely. I fall in love with people and even objects and moments in general. My friends, my family, strangers on the street, those who are fighting for the same things as me, animals, the weather, nature, sounds, smells; the way all these things make me feel. My senses are extremely sensitive which in turn explains the way my emotions feel ever-changing like the wind.

I don’t need to build walls anymore. That is no way to exist. These days I really put myself out there. I talk to strangers, I wear what I want and feel comfortable with my body including all imperfections, I make mistakes and admit it, I speak up when I don’t agree, I ask so many questions, I stand up for myself when things aren’t right, I talk to men who I believe are way out of my league, I share my feelings, I speak my mind, I make countless mistakes, I make the tough decisions and live with the consequences. I also benefit from the way these decisions impact my entire life. The past made me mostly timid, shy and afraid to be myself. But I’m not afraid anymore. Somewhere along the way, I became this woman who is proud and confident. When I look in the mirror, sometimes I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I’m beautiful, driven, passionate, expressive, strong, powerful, proud, influential and helpful in the lives of those around me. I can finally celebrate all the ways I am completely unique. There is no force that can ever stop me or take away the peace I feel and pure joy I experience for being able to be exactly who I am. No matter where this crazy life takes me I will always look back with complete appreciation that I had the chance to exist in the first place. Life is amazing in incalculable terms. Count your blessings.