The Dream

So I used to be that girl. You know the one. Bitter about that fateful day that rolls around once a year. Valentine’s Day. But I’ve lived and oh how I have learned. Now I laugh at the way my views once were and I want to share the way I have changed. I believe I’ve learned a thing or two. So listen up.

I have never really been someone’s “girlfriend,” so to speak. I have loved a select few and I will certainly not deny that. It felt wonderful at the time and I wouldn’t trade it in for anything. Ever. But in all my time out there amidst my dating adventures, I have never been someone’s everything. I have witnessed first hand the way men act when they are truly and deeply in love with a women. They will do whatever it takes to be with them. I have never been “the one.” Certainly I don’t know what it feels like to have a man proclaim his love for me to the whole world around us. I was always that naive girl who believed in something that wasn’t really there. I just always had brief moments of bliss, somewhere in between temporary and not-quite something worth mentioning because it just wasn’t on that level.

The past did have its moments. When the world stopped and all I saw was that person, all I felt was the intense beating of my heart while in their presence. I wanted nothing more than to be in the arms of the one I was sure was meant to mine forever.

Forever is a tricky thing. I have challenged the idea of this so many times and the topic of marriage and commitment is something I openly discuss with those around me that are willing to listen. My views have undoubtedly changed as is expected but I finally feel my thoughts are justified. See I have been the other woman before, the mistress, the one on the side. More than once. Judge me if you want. I don’t give a fuck. I’ve done enough judging of myself as it is. I don’t set out looking to get involved with those that are already involved. I suppose it is my nature, I’m just very open and not afraid to share what is on my mind. I speak openly regarding sex, often. From what I gather, when men cheat on their wives it is not usually from lack of loving them. It is all about attention and of course sex.

So this leads me to the topic of the eternal ties of marriage. I think its wonderful if two individuals can find a way to make this work. Admirable even. But I don’t believe in it, for me personally. How are we to know what the future holds? Who we could possibly meet? How we will change and what needs we may have down the road? I understand it is a commitment that is made, a promise to love and honor that person no matter what. But who actually sticks to this promise? People hurt each other constantly. I never want to put myself in that situation. It’s one thing to be in a relationship and to cheat but marriage is different. I don’t want to end up hurting someone and I definitely don’t need to be hurt in that way. Betrayal is one thing I’m on a mission to steer clear of. I don’t need any more heartache.

I feel very lucky to have never been someone’s everything. I’m glad a man never fell for me completely. This keeps me grounded and I feel secure as a strong and independent single woman on a daily basis. I love myself more for exactly that reason and I know how much of a prize I am to be won. I’m not saying I don’t want to fall in love again. Honestly, I really do. I just hope that it is a completely different feeling than anything I’ve ever been through. I deserve to be fought for and I will not ever settle for anything less.

I imagine my man is out there searching for me somewhere. Someday we will surely meet.

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