The time is now. I’m an official New York resident and I’m ready to move forward in my pursuit of happiness. I will start school in the Fall and I will be successful at whatever I choose. I have never been more determined to learn new things. Life will move forward no matter how hard I must push.
Currently, life is good. My days are full and balanced with a good mix of hard work, friends and fun. I’m able to support myself on a barista’s salary even in this ridiculously expensive city. I’m taking care of myself in every way possible, more so than I really ever have in my adult life.
I can’t stop talking about how much yoga has changed me for the better. I’ve noticed an overall calm about myself on an everyday basis. Life will always have its many stress-ors but I feel more equipped to handle whatever comes along these days. I literally feel my body and mind constantly gaining strength. It amazes me how something so intense and challenging can lead you to a path of peace.
I had this moment on my walk home the other night. I felt a part of me wanting more; it was almost an aching. I realized I am no longer satisfied with what I have. I’m grateful, but I want more…
I have dreams of sharing my life with someone else, feeling the love of another, being a mother, building a story that I am proud of. I know these moments may come and they may not. So for now I’m working on being the best person I can possibly be.
Sometimes I feel like it is impossible to reach all the people who mean the most. Distances have become a big part of my everyday reality. I feel so emotional lately, like time is somehow running faster than ever. I just don’t want to run out of time.
Today I felt the sun. The warmth was familiar yet something I have been missing for the last six months. It feels as if Spring has finally arrived and I’m thankful to be rid of the aching cold in my bones. It is beautiful around here this time of year and I’ve been spending much of my time outside wandering about and snapping pictures of it all.
As I lay basking in the glorious weather atop my roof I began wondering what the rest of this year has in store for me. Clearly it will be whatever I make of it. Only I can decide because I am in charge of my own world. Still, part of me always holds on to that bit of hope that something unexpectedly wonderful is about to happen.
I could use a surprise.
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (a Native American Elder)
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
I want to know if you can
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments
With the twinkle of both Freedom towers visible just outside my third-story apartment window, I feel things inside of me burning. My insides are on fire yet again. I guess when all is lost sometimes that is when you have the most to be thankful for. Feeling everything completely is the best thing for me. Letting it all consume me in every which way. It’s important that I face it. I embrace this newfound realism. The dreamer in me needs a rest sometimes. Everything will not end in rainbows and roses. I will not get all the things that I want. But every broken dream will teach me more about myself.
It’s those games we play. We tell each other we want what we have when really, we want something else. We settle for things because we run out of steam to keep up the chase. Life is exhausting. Especially among all the wicked. Are things ever as they seem?
Those lights are calling to me, always singing me to sleep.
At least I have my city.
It was on a bus somewhere along my commute from Trader Joe’s back home. It was a frigid Monday morning and I was bundled tightly. None of my regular music could settle me; everything felt painful in my ears. I chose a piano/violin station and as the bus became more and more of a crowded and chaotic environment with each stop, I drifted further away. I closed my eyes and escaped the bus, the city, the world, my thoughts, my emotions, until it was like I didn’t even exist in my own body any longer. It felt warm. The warmest I have felt in so long. I was entirely motionless and my head empty. Strangely I had managed to completely let everything go, all the things inside. Some I was aware of and even things I didn’t know were there. It was bliss in those few moments yet so brief. Eventually I felt the vibrations in my feet travel back throughout my entire body and I was aware once again.
That was my favorite place…I want to go there again. I think I’ll visit often.
Tonight I walked the streets of New York, uptown where tall buildings surround your every move. Holiday music and brightly lit displays stimulate the senses. It seems I always fall back into that feeling, the same one I first felt overcome me back in May of 2010. I’ll never forget it as long as I live. I was certain from the moment I arrived; this is where I was meant to be. I had waited so long to feel this way. I finally belonged. I was home.
I feel grateful to occasionally have that same “new” feeling radiate through me. After all this time, the gleam remains. My love for this city still burns rapidly.
The universe always seems to take care of me in its own ways as long as I continue to believe. Things just work out. A little bit of luck is always looming not too far behind. Independence suits me but I still know when to ask for help. Most importantly, I’ve become quite the problem solver. Things that used to have me anxiety-ridden or perhaps in tears now simply presents something new to research, strategize and conquer. I look forward to every new token of knowledge and experience. It’s kind of like playing a video game. But its real life 🙂
Officially I will be a New Yorker for at least another year. I have committed to that via my new lease that just began. I am excited beyond belief and I know this shall be the best year ever. I can’t help but smile.
I very much like doing my own thing. I have been making a lot of big decisions lately and for once it doesn’t feel so scary. It just feels right. I’ve never been very good at being an adult but I guess I finally figured it out. You do what you have to do; to keep yourself moving forward, to prevent yourself from moving backwards, to stay motivated, to feel safe, to secure a future.
I’ve held onto many hopes, dreamt many dreams and fancied many things in my time. But I finally decided what is going to push myself further. I know what is going to set me aside from others and how my life is going to feel like it has purpose again. It all has to do with traveling and 2013 will be my year. It just has to be.
I woke up one day knowing that I wanted a change. I spent the entire next two months planning for this change. I gave my everything; I changed it. I moved on.
I wake up everyday exactly where I am supposed to be, being the person I’ve always wanted to be. The single most important thing in life is to be yourself. I don’t wait around to make changes anymore and I don’t hold back. I can’t remember the last time I held something inside and I’ve become an expert at sharing the way I feel. I don’t worry about how I am perceived. I know that I am living my dreams and I will never look back with a single regret. I rule my world and I’ve never felt better.
[Edit-14 hours later]
You can be the most independent, secure, strong, confident, grounded, free soul in the world but every once in a while you just want to hold the hand of that person that makes your heart flutter. That’s just human nature…