I’ve found that since I’ve moved to the east coast and actually began to experience the change of seasons that this time of year is my absolute favorite. Fall fills my heart with such joy and it seems I also walk around in a dreamy state more than usual. It’s just so damn beautiful around here. The colors are mesmerizing. Silly as it may sound, I find myself drifting around aimlessly, falling in love, all over again, with this glorious city and everything surrounding me. It matters not if I am sitting in the park in the middle of the day watching leaves fall or strolling along the Hudson River and night just engulfing my lungs with the Autumn air; the city seems more stunning, life feels more breath-taking and I appear more elegant.
What fascinates me is that all this beauty is rooted from the death in nature. Trees dying, life fading and the sun moving further and further away. Soon the days will become shorter and cold will set in. But even then, when winter takes over, I will embrace it and how it makes me feel.
So many things have died inside of me lately. So many endings. You would expect sadness to set it but it hasn’t; it just won’t. I’m like a forest full of trees, stuck between two seasons. My leaves are changing, parts of me are completely exposed for all to see but I’m overwhelmingly vivid. I am beautiful. Perhaps my glory is coming to an end for now. Maybe I’ll become completely covered in snow, silent and still for a while. But when I re-emerge I will be taller and stronger than ever.
Seasons are always changing, we are always just a few months away from a new beginning. And I am always an inspiration away from the next phase of myself. Ever-changing and always evolving.
This was read at my Grandmother’s service and although I am positive I have heard it before, it struck me like never before. So very wise and completely true:
“To everything there is a season, and
a time to every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and
a time to die;
a time to plant, and
a time to pluck up
that which is planted;
A time to kill, and
a time to heal;
a time to break down, and
a time to build up;
A time to weep, and
a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and
a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and
a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and
a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and
a time to lose;
a time to keep, and
a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and
a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and
a time to speak;
A time to love, and
a time to hate;
a time of war; and
a time of peace.”
We, as people making our way through this life full of tragedy, must remember these simple words.
I feel so much less alone when I face my life as a realist. I am going to be happy sometimes. I will get hurt. I will cry. I will screw up. No matter how hard I work, some things will fall apart. I’m likely to hurt others. I will get some things I want and other things are just not meant for me. No matter how badly I wish for certain things or people, I still cannot have them. Someday I will die and cease existence. Nothing can stop time. I must accept all these things.
All this is less scary when I approach it with such objectivity. Even with my tendency to otherwise access life based on emotions, I understand that I must face reality and this alone helps me sleep much sounder at night.
I don’t mind getting hurt. It just means I’m always learning how to cope with something new. It always surprises me to know that I’m so much stronger than I had ever imagined.
There is this boy. I like him. We haven’t yet learned about each other. Although I’m leaving so soon, I want to know him. He makes me smile. It’s been so long. He woke up this part of me that I had forgot existed.
It’s strange how life works. Maybe he was the one, maybe not. I’ve been wrong before. All that matters is I remember now. What it’s like to feel that. It feels new and pure and completely unparalleled. I guess I haven’t given up. How could I when there is so much I have to give…