So I am currently hyped up on way too much coffee, New York City is covered in a fluffy white blanket, I’m cuddled inside enjoying the gorgeous view AND I made my first ever snow angel earlier; I am in the greatest mood.
I’ll be a college freshman in approximately three weeks. I know that I will be learning many things but honestly I’ve already learned the most important one. This lesson is internal. I love and appreciate myself. That’s all. Nothing more.
I think sometimes people hear the word “meditation” and it may appear so obscure, unknown and out there that they are unwilling to try. I think if all the world took the time to meditate, in any form of their choice, we would have so much less hate and hurt. To connect with yourself in meditation form is a true gift. One I am very passionate about. All anxiety melts away with a few deep breaths and true focus on self. That ability to let go is so important.
All the past make sense and I have trust in my future. I am being taken care of in all accounts and I feel true love from those closest to me. There is nothing more I need and to wish for more seems silly and selfish. My picture is different from the future I envisioned but I’m having a wonderful time building a different one.
Much love to you all. Namaste.
I’ve decided from now on to mostly dedicate this blog to the things in my life that I am thankful for. To keep myself on track, moving forward and positive.
Today I am grateful for my new roommate. He is great addition to my life and my household. He has taken two yoga classes with me this week and tonight we created a delicious dinner together. Also, he’s just a nice guy.
Today I tried Spin class at the new YMCA that I recently joined. I had also done yoga earlier in the day. Spin was fun and super intense. I am grateful that I possessed the strength for all this physical activity in one day. I am continually amazed by the things my body is capable of.
I cleaned and organized almost everything I own today. I am grateful for the clarity I feel when my space is in order.
Today was a good one. I plan to make tomorrow even better.
I guess we can call this a rough draft. I am sure to re-visit this at a later date but for now I just need to get it out. Because I feel very strongly on the topic.
I wish to discuss some things very important to me. Body image and respect.
First off, body image, especially in today’s society. Let me first say that I am pleased with the direction that the everyday depiction of a real woman’s body is headed these days. I see more and more full-figured woman in the media, advertisements, tv-shows, etc than ever before. But I believe there is still a real problem with society’s expectations of what size we should be or how we should look.
I believe much more emphasis should be put on the health aspect instead of “weight” and “size”. I’ve battled with my “weight” for a large portion of my life. Now that I have spent the last 5 years or so learning what it means to be “healthy”, I wish someone had introduced me to this lifestyle sooner. Instead of drinking slim-fast at age 9 (which is just fucking horrible now that I look back on it) or basically starving myself and taking very dangerous diet pills at age 21, I could have just learned how to eat real, whole, healthy foods and just be good to my body.
These days I am so proud of my body and I have no problems saying that. I embrace every little imperfection and make an effort to appreciate my whole self with every glance in the mirror. Maybe it’s wisdom that’s come with aging, maybe it’s so many empowering conversations I’ve had with my close female friends, or perhaps it’s all those times I spent changing in locker rooms finally realizing that no one is perfect and we all have our faults. I don’t know exactly but I am thankful for everything I’ve learned about myself.
Here is the problem. Now that we are approaching warmer temperatures, everyday clothing choices are no doubt more revealing. Especially when you’ve previously been bundled up with 3 or 4 layers. In all neighborhoods that I’ve resided in since my move to NYC, there seems to always be those men. The ones who stand around in groups just waiting for a girl in a skirt, dress, shorts, whatever to pass by. Then the filthy, disgusting, inappropriate, grotesque and degrading comments begin. It could be anything from a statement, a whistle, a look, a kiss noise or beyond. Either way, it’s uncomfortable and unwanted. This happens every year and at times it actually makes me question what clothing I choose to wear for the day. I think if I were in any other city I would be quicker to speak up and express my dislike of this. But to be on the safe side, I usually do everything I can to modify my path so that I do not have to come in direct contact with these men. This is difficult in a city where I rely on walking and public transit for all my travels.
I do not deserve to be treated in this way nor does any other woman. The lack of respect makes me sick and I wish I knew how to change it. Just because I am tall, have long legs and decide to wear shorts for the day, doesn’t give some creepy guy the right to say derogatory things to me.
So I vow to wear whatever I want to this summer. Without worrying about what disrespectful comment I might receive. Because it is my body and my freedom to be me. I will never again let someone else make me feel bad about that.
So I guess I’ve been extra tough on myself lately. All these new journeys I’ve taken on and I’m determined to make something happen; to move forward in my self-improvement. There are those things that remain beyond my control and that is difficult for me to accept at times. So, in a way, these new endeavors represent the parts of me that are strong, able and willing. I’m not competing with anyone nor do I have anything to prove. I’m doing it all for me.
Bikram yoga has proven to be the most challenging and rewarding thing I’ve ever done for myself. It brings everything out of me. Every hidden feeling, every unhealthy thought, every single emotion. It’s not uncommon for me to be in tears at some point during class. This is the most important outlet in my life right now. There are so many things that I feel I cannot discuss with anyone else around me but within these 90 minutes I am free to feel it all. And it always feels better afterwards.
My body is going through many adjustments. The flexibility happens slowly and I’m still in a lot of pain much of the time. But I can feel how much strength I’m gaining. In addition to yoga, I’m working at changing my diet once again. I’ve decided to re-introduce eggs here and there and I just began a 21-day sugar detox.
I feel so small sometimes. It helps to have a grasp on my own wants and needs. I’m empowered by the control I finally feel I have in my life.
Today I felt the sun. The warmth was familiar yet something I have been missing for the last six months. It feels as if Spring has finally arrived and I’m thankful to be rid of the aching cold in my bones. It is beautiful around here this time of year and I’ve been spending much of my time outside wandering about and snapping pictures of it all.
As I lay basking in the glorious weather atop my roof I began wondering what the rest of this year has in store for me. Clearly it will be whatever I make of it. Only I can decide because I am in charge of my own world. Still, part of me always holds on to that bit of hope that something unexpectedly wonderful is about to happen.
I could use a surprise.
With the twinkle of both Freedom towers visible just outside my third-story apartment window, I feel things inside of me burning. My insides are on fire yet again. I guess when all is lost sometimes that is when you have the most to be thankful for. Feeling everything completely is the best thing for me. Letting it all consume me in every which way. It’s important that I face it. I embrace this newfound realism. The dreamer in me needs a rest sometimes. Everything will not end in rainbows and roses. I will not get all the things that I want. But every broken dream will teach me more about myself.
It’s those games we play. We tell each other we want what we have when really, we want something else. We settle for things because we run out of steam to keep up the chase. Life is exhausting. Especially among all the wicked. Are things ever as they seem?
Those lights are calling to me, always singing me to sleep.
At least I have my city.