Finding My Freedom

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If you are not lucky enough to feel it already, one day there is going to be that person that comes along and changes everything. You might view the world differently. Parts of you will change. You will understand things you never did before. You will learn more about yourself because of this person than you every imagined was possible. Until then, enjoy the ride.

For me, this brand new year is about living in the moment as well as challenging myself beyond my previously established limits. I have never felt so alive and open to so many possibilities. Sure I have always held the power to do anything I desired, but I continued to hold back. I was afraid of where I might end up.

I’ve started a project that is incredibly important to me. For months now, I’ve considered the idea of traveling abroad to teach English. I finally signed up for the TESOL online certification and began completing the lessons. I’m filled with a new sense of importance and purpose. I’m not yet sure which country I am the most interested in relocating to but beyond excited for the adventure.

Understanding my true self, not who I think I should be, has always been a daunting task. As I progress in life and continue to meet new people and hear their own stories I feel as though it helps me understand the world in a different way. I’m not sure why but I felt completely misunderstood from a very young age. Being so disconnected caused me to fall into quite a few stages of self-isolation over the last several years. I’m starting to believe that the part of me that used to feel so awkward is slowly disappearing. I suspect this newfound confidence happened for a few reasons.

Living in New York City as a single female gives me a lot of independence on its own. But honestly I’ve gained so much strength and perspective from all the strong females I have met along the path and who I have the pleasure of working with on a daily basis. Most importantly and thankfully, these wonderful women are my friends. These newfound friendships have really opened my eyes to the world around me. It seems females are always wanting to compete against, be better than, prettier, smarter, richer or get the same guy as each other. Once you learn to respect each other, hopefully all that unnecessary jealousy, anger and pettiness goes away. I know it has for me.

Life is one hundred percent what you make of it. You always have a choice. I choose to make mine wonderful.

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Beyond What I Ever Imagined

 

It’s a brisk wintry night and I’m safe, cozy and warm indoors; staying at a friend’s house.  She is the true meaning of hospitality and friendship.  So many people will say they are there for you whenever you may need them.  But in the end, who actually lives up to these promises.  All I know is that, in my time of need, she was there.

 

The last few months have been a test and I am undoubtedly still making my way through.  But it’s all these obstacles that make the journey that much more worth it.

 

I’m currently reading the most wonderful book titled “The Last Lecture”.  It’s written by Randy Pausch, a man dying of pancreatic cancer.  It’s a book about living, the things that matter and simply appreciating life.  I recommend that you all read it.

 

“It’s not about how to achieve your dreams, it’s about how to lead your life, … If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself, the dreams will come to you.” 

 

“When you’re screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore that means they’ve given up on you…you may not want to hear it but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care about you and want to make you better.” 

 

“It took a long time, but I’ve finally figured it out. When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it’s really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.” 

 

“The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough. They’re there to stop the other people.” 

 

 

 

A couple of days ago, I lost my phone.  Meaning (funny story) it fell in the toilet while I was at a holiday party and now it won’t turn on.  I was only upset for one reason.  The first thing I though of?  My pictures, all of my beloved pictures…  If there is one thing that keeps me going on a daily basis it is my self-documentation through the photos I have taken.  I’ve had that phone almost as long I have lived in New York.  Almost two years and over 3000 pictures later and here I am, almost devastated to lose that part of my journey, my vividly illustrated memories.

Perhaps it was just another brick wall.  There will be many more days, different adventures, countless new journeys and plenty of new pictures to keep my passion alive.  Tomorrow is always a brand new day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Of Nothing In Particular

These last several weeks have been nothing sort of extraordinary.  I came, went, saw, laughed, learned, explored, discovered, shared, pushed, coped and conquered.

I’m very fortunate to work with an amazing as well as eclectic group of individuals.  They have exposed me to some very different things and ways of thinking.  In addition to just being great people, when I am around them, I always feel like I belong.  On an everyday basis I can feel misunderstood but when I’m around the people I work with, I feel right at home.  It never matters that I’m a thirty-one year old “Barista” that still has no idea what she wants to do with her life, because they are all right there with me; they get it.

Back in September, one of my friends who I work with put on his first official dance recital since being in NY. He’s a great guy with so much talent.

I finally gave EHarmony a try and even went on a date.  It was nice.  I had fun.  Dating had started to resemble a foreign language so it was nice to get back out there.  As to whether or not it will happen again any time soon… who knows.  Life is full of surprises.

Last month I had the wonderful opportunity to travel upstate with my good friend Caitlin for her annual “Family Fall Weekend”.  Every year she gathers friends and family to spend a weekend in Accord, NY in her warm and welcoming childhood home.  It was a weekend that I will not soon forget surrounded by amazing souls that truly made my heart happy.

I first saw Fiona Apple perform live back in 2006.  I’ve always had such a love for her music, voice and mostly her lyrics.  So when a chance came to she her again this year, I was ecstatic.  Words cannot describe how raw, real, emotional and inspirational the show was.  All I can say is that it was extremely touching and I enjoyed every moment.  Once in a lifetime experience to see her in New York City.

Probably the most priceless moment I’ve had lately is when my sister and my Mother came to visit me at the same time.  We had a week full of adventures and it was especially important to me that I had the chance to introduce my Mom to the wonderful ins and outs of my favourite city and also for her to understand what my life is like out here.  When Tiffany and I first moved away back in 2010 she said she never had any desire to visit NY.  I am so thankful she changed her mind.  The time we spent together was so important to me.  I love my Mom so much and miss her everyday.  Equally rad was to be able to see Tiffany again.  It’s hard to be so far away from her all the time.  She’s my rock and always has been.

Storm Sandy was the most intense natural disaster that I have ever experienced first hand.  Living through a real life tragedy really taught me a lot about human kind and especially the power of people when they join together to push through tough times.  The city is still struggling and will be for quite some time but it is wonderful to see how many organizations are committed to helping those in need.  I’m proud to be a New Yorker every day.  There is so much strength here.

Barely a week after Sandy and we got hit with our first snow storm of the season.  What a crazy surprise.  I have this love for snow that just wont quit.  Sure it’s cold, but so beautiful and mysterious.

I was lucky enough to visit the famous “Carnegie Hall” to see the New York Pops Symphony with my friend Sloan who had a press pass.  It was a religious experience that stimulated all the senses and put me in the perfect mood.  The night I shared with Sloan immediately following was just as fun.  I am so fortunate to have such fabulous friends here.

Between all these happenings it’s been my goal to continually gather up all that this city has to offer.  The holidays are just around the corner and this is my favorite time of year to walk the streets of New York.  It feels powerfully magical even on the days when you are aren’t quite feeling it.

Here’s to all the other firsts in my near future.  I plan on seeing and doing it all.

Connections.

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Had a long conversation with Tiffany last night, over margaritas. Things have been so chaotic but we managed to find some clarity. I’ve been missing my friends so much but I have to remember that I’m never alone. These last couple days have been uplifting. Explored this new city a bit, moved into our new place and even sat in the studio during my first attendance at a live radio show. That was so fun. By chance it just so happened that my friend Calvin lives here. I’ve known him forever and haven’t seen him since he moved out of Phoenix years ago. He’s been taking care of me in so many ways and constantly making me laugh, which is what I needed most. I know that my life moved me in this direction for a reason and I can’t wait to see why.

“There’s so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to even though there’s not even a word for it. There’s the people who you’ve known forever, who know you in this way that other people can’t, because they’ve seen you change… they’ve let you change.”
-My So-Called Life

Magic Spells

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My closest female confidants will always have a stronger pull on my heart, as they have been the ones to spend countless hours listening to me over picnics in Central Park while I poured out my heart, to hug me over coffee on those mornings when I felt like I had nowhere to turn, to struggle in gaining an understanding of me when I couldn’t even understand myself, to offer any type of help I could possibly need without me even asking, to love me unconditionally on my good days as well as my bad and to encourage me through my darkest times. I’m not sure that the time will come when I will ever meet a man that treats me as well as I deserve to be treated, but for now and for always, I am blessed to have some amazing friends within my ring of trust.

“These things take time babe. You gotta give it time. Change of season is always sad. Things are dying you know? Leaves and everything. It’s normal to feel sad.”

I love you Sara.
Thank you.

Heavy Heart

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Doing some reflecting tonight and missing some friends…

“If you’re alone, I’ll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I’ll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I’ll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I’ll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I’ll just be me.”
“We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic cords of memory will swell when again touched as surely they will be by the better angels of our nature.”