The Pursuit

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In many ways, my moods reflect the phases of the moon. At times I feel bright, vibrant and full; I rule my life in the way she owns the night sky. But after this fullness I do tend to dwindle. Parts of me feel broken, missing and I just feel, plainly stated, less whole.

I am fairly convinced that it is damn near impossible to explain in words the way my mind functions. But I am going to give it my best shot. I have a constant, fast-moving collection of what I would call an endless pool of data racing throughout my thoughts. I realize that it is normal to process many things at once and we all do this, but somehow the situation in my head has its differences and I’m sure of it. Often it feels like I might explode if I don’t release, share or document this information in some way. Most music, conversations, pictures, images, memories, art, observations, etc. set off chain reactions in my thought process. I’m visualizing what pictures I could take, what stories I could tell, what I need to document, how to understand the situation I am in, how to understand myself, feeling intense emotions and even trying to recall when I last felt the same way or was in a similar situation. I guess the things that I’m drawn to most are music, words and images. Writing and photography are the main driving forces in my existence. I’m most alive when I have written my thoughts out into words or I have expressed my feelings through a picture I have taken. These two creative outlets of mine always contribute to my happiness. Both are eternal. The words I’ve written and pictures I’ve taken will always live on. Forever. No matter where I end up, I can always take myself back to any previous moment in my life. Most importantly I can re-live the same feelings, whether that is something I wish to do or not.

I used to think my heart was weak and easily broken. Now that I have grown up some and know myself better, I have a better understanding. My heart is just very full. I am someone who will never stop giving and caring for an endless number of people. I love so many in countless ways. I will never stop myself from feeling. Although at times I did believe the answer was to shut myself off and try not to get attached in any way. I can’t and will not do that. I fall for people easily. I don’t mean this in regards to relationships solely. I fall in love with people and even objects and moments in general. My friends, my family, strangers on the street, those who are fighting for the same things as me, animals, the weather, nature, sounds, smells; the way all these things make me feel. My senses are extremely sensitive which in turn explains the way my emotions feel ever-changing like the wind.

I don’t need to build walls anymore. That is no way to exist. These days I really put myself out there. I talk to strangers, I wear what I want and feel comfortable with my body including all imperfections, I make mistakes and admit it, I speak up when I don’t agree, I ask so many questions, I stand up for myself when things aren’t right, I talk to men who I believe are way out of my league, I share my feelings, I speak my mind, I make countless mistakes, I make the tough decisions and live with the consequences. I also benefit from the way these decisions impact my entire life. The past made me mostly timid, shy and afraid to be myself. But I’m not afraid anymore. Somewhere along the way, I became this woman who is proud and confident. When I look in the mirror, sometimes I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I’m beautiful, driven, passionate, expressive, strong, powerful, proud, influential and helpful in the lives of those around me. I can finally celebrate all the ways I am completely unique. There is no force that can ever stop me or take away the peace I feel and pure joy I experience for being able to be exactly who I am. No matter where this crazy life takes me I will always look back with complete appreciation that I had the chance to exist in the first place. Life is amazing in incalculable terms. Count your blessings.

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