This year has been the most challenging. I would say that belief in my personal abilities is my main driving force. Also, it’s usually best to view things on more of a micro level; the macro can overwhelm me quickly. Like today, for instance. Two classes, a creative writing club meeting, a National Leadership speaker seminar and an advisement appointment. Probably hours of homework to follow, as well. Life is busier than it has ever been, but I asked for this. When I think of what the alternative could have been, I’m thankful. But oh how lonely it all can feel at times. I’ve lost friends due to their new relationships, social time is almost non-existent, I miss my family, I’m living in a city that has the ability to kill your spirit daily, and I often feel like I have no one to vent to. That’s not true, of course. I do. I have an amazing support system but mostly I need someone who gets it. Thankfully, I have friends here that are also in school and that helps a great deal.
So while I’m proud of my progress, I am extremely difficult on myself as well. That’s the way its always been.
In the stillness of the morning, immersed in so much thought, I still am not entirely sure where all this is leading. But despite my self-doubt and tumultuous reflection, I am certain that my passion will lead the way. What else is there?
I feel the most at peace right here on my yoga mat. I feel the most free and the most accepted. I breathe easier and have a clear mind. I’m spending more time here recently. The light inside of me is shining again. I’m thankful.
All we need is patience. In time, things fall into place. They always do. I respect wherever my path is leading.
It’s time to get back to the things that make me feel good. I’ve been unhealthy and inactive for the last six months, mostly out of lack of free time and eating for convenience. I know better than this. I am feeling the consequences and I’m ready to make a change. I’m putting it out here in public forum so I can hold myself accountable.
I’m going to start running again. This scares me like crazy. My body is out of shape currently. I remember when I began running over two years ago. It was extremely painful for me in the beginning. But I also remember how amazing it felt when I made it to each new step and how I fought past the struggles. I will do this again. Determination is everything.
Some of us forever,
To seek other states, other lives,
Some people rely on other people to make them happy.
All I need is the trees, the mountains, the wind, the water and the sun.
Nature is my everything.
Maybe everything does happen for a reason? Who knows.
But I’m not letting go of that fairy tale dream. I owe it to that hopeful little girl still living inside of me.
Do any of these dreams come true
If they did, I might have you
It seems like ages ago
I watched you through that window
It weighs on me ever since
Weakening my recollections
Testing ways I once knew you
And the weary within me wins
All the light fades
I question everything
I know it’s only in my mind now
Where nothing is safe
How do I breathe with this hole
The stinging intensity
And fate, another ugly word
While the war tares at me
I don’t go easily
But my castle already fell down
And she wears the crown
And I miss the glow
That warm comforted bliss
In the midst of uncertainty
Was the only love I ever knew
Now so long ago
One day you wake up and your youth is gone.
And maybe you wish you did things differently or that you had more.
The wise part of you knows that it all happened according to plan, whether or not it’s what you wished for. It may not be good enough sometimes but it’s yours.
And there is so much good but you want so much more.
And although you know it’s not true, there are so many lonely days.
And there are times you believe and moments that you don’t.
And it’s hard not to feel scared when the world is spinning so fast.
A little surreal that 15 weeks of my life were spent working my ass off and these four letters are what emerged. Feeling proud and ready to conquer what comes next.
It is fascinating, promising and unbelievable how much life can alter over the course of a year.
Nothing is ever permanent. That gives us endless hope to continue growing, learning and connecting.
Life is thrilling, to say the least.