Have you ever wanted what you could never have?
It’s that stomach dropping, eternal panic that completely consumes you. You wake up in a cold sweat, not able to breathe. There is something missing inside of you. The worst part is this. The emptiness isn’t something you can just fill with anything. Drifting back to sleep will not solve this. No amount of time with friends, laughter, sun, meditation, exercise, long walks, deep breathing…
At some point, the longing isn’t about the loss or the lack of, anymore. It just becomes a part of who you are. It is a constant pain that you learn to control.
It feels strange to carry this with me sometimes. Mostly because my missing piece is the only other soul who could understand. Fifteen years of history is not something you bring up in casual conversation or even with new friends. Yet there are moments you feel you may burst from the sheer intensity of it all. You want it to leave your body; need to find someone who could possible relate.
Days continue to pile on top of each other. Months pass with each new full moon. I am living, growing, learning, discovering new things, fighting new battles, traveling so many new paths. I’m finding myself over and over again. You will never know these things. Never can I turn to you for guidance or reassurance. Never again will we share those long talks that used to define us. You will not be there for all my big moments and I will never know of yours. Maybe somehow we will still feel each other. I have to believe that your mind will never fully throw away all thoughts of me. I hope a small part of you will remember…
There is no solution to this. In fact, the lack of resolution has always been our definition. Now we are strangers. We’ve become something that we could have never imagined.
It was unrealistic to hold onto that maddening hope for this long. I always thought I knew something that no one else did; something special. Something greater. If I kept believing, it stayed real. There was no force that could take that from me.
But the world backfires.
That night could have gone so many ways, way back when. I was just a naive teenager convinced that she knew what love was. Turns out that maybe I did understand, after all. These years have taught me everything. The loss you was the biggest lesson of them all. I may forever walk this world with the weight of my broken heart but I can say I had something that I am certain most people never will. It’s always going to hurt but it will always be worth it. I just wish my mind would finally set me free. I’m tired of feeling like a prisoner in my own body.