Sometimes I think that the fact I’ve been single for so long has really changed me. It wasn’t until recently that I noticed that this change was a positive one.
I needed all that time I spent over the last few years. I was searching for something. I was searching for myself. I needed to fall down again and again, to lose things and people I loved, to realize that dreams I once believed in were not meant to come true; those dreams no longer belong to me.
I walked into something completely new. After all the emotions I have felt through the years, it should have been difficult for me. But it wasn’t. I was this confident, grown woman that I somehow had turned into. I didn’t even recognize myself.
It’s funny. All I could think of was Sammy. The way my heart felt when our communication first began. How he made me feel like I was on top of the world. I was the happiest I can remember myself in so very long. Then I remembered how I fell for him and let him become such a big part of me and my life. Even then, I still hid a lot of who I was. I was very reserved in many ways and kept so much inside. I was blissfully in love with him but continued to keep all my walls up. I should have been myself. I just couldn’t. Although that relationship hurt me beyond words, I don’t recall the bad times. Just the way it felt when I was his everything.
Thinking back made me think ahead. I am just hoping for someone who is good to me. Someone who can and wants to take care of me, even when I say I don’t need it. Someone understands all the crazy pieces that make me who I am. And most of all I just want the comfort of being able to be myself. Isn’t that what we are all searching for? Someone to love us for who we really are?
So still moving forward with all the things the past has taught me. Waiting to someday fall into that feeling all over again. Except this time, walls down.