When we are young, our capacity for dreaming seems unlimited, pure and without many boundaries. Possibilities are endless because our canvas is still mostly blank, the future is waiting to be written. We have very few mishaps embedded into memory and nothing can stop us. We are children. We are innocent. We believe in everything and everyone.
Eventually we begin to develop more direction and start to shape our lives into what we want and need. There is definitely that moment when everything seems to make sense and we really do believe that we know exactly what we want and are even certain that what we want is also what we need.
Throughout my twenties, I was so sure that I knew what I wanted. I could not have been more wrong. I never put my needs first and somehow I always let someone else make me feel like I wasn’t good enough for them. Well none of those people ever deserved to have me in their life in the first place.
This new chapter and decade of my life has already changed me dramatically. I know what I want, even if sometimes I don’t know how to get it. I know when enough is enough. I know when to fight and when to let go. I know who I am. I have become my own best friend.
There’s a great lesson to be learned when you don’t get what you always, always wanted. There’s a reason for that. You deserve better. The main thing that I could never understand from the time I was a child until very recently was that if I loved someone and they supposedly loved me, why did they not choose me, why were they not with me? Such a dreamer I was and so fucking blinded by love. I deserve more. I deserve someone who will fight for me. I deserve someone who will take care of me. I deserve someone to be there for the good and bad. I deserve someone who will let me grow and change and make all my dreams come true. I deserve someone who is proud to say they are with me. I deserve it all. I deserve the world.
I have only just begun. My future will be a beautiful symphony of moments that most will never see. I will celebrate silently.