Que Sera, Sera

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Days after my thirtieth birthday, my health and most importantly my energy level started to deteriorate rapidly. It was so drastic that it really threw me off guard. I went from running and hitting the gym daily to constantly feeling completely exhausted. I can’t even begin to fully describe the severity. Most of the time I could barely make it through an eight-hour work shift without wanting to die. I would struggle to survive a work shift, attempt to stay awake on the transit ride home, and pass out as soon as I stepped foot in my apartment. Getting a good nights sleep wasn’t helping either, at all. I started loading up on multiple vitamins and started eating super healthy again. Still no improvements. This went on for almost two full months. I have never felt so debilitated in my whole life. Most days I just wanted to die. I barely ever went out and my co-workers at both jobs pointed out that I was clearly not myself.

There were also many changes going on in many different aspects of my life, not to mention the chaotic living situation that I was put into without my permission. I think that depression caught the best of me even as I was fighting so hard to keep positive. As someone who has fought this disease since I was much much younger, believe me when I say that it can be very serious.

So I fought back. And in the midst of losing another one of my best friends, trying to find a new roommate and attempting to plan out my next moves, I somehow started feeling like Jamie again. Thank god. I was so low that I could barely handle it.

I made the choice to leave New York. It is time for me to fully grow up, go to school, get a real job and build a family. Not because these are the things that are expected of us as we get older, but because these are the things I want and need to complete me.

The day after I made this decision, I was walking around the city. I became overwhelmed by so many emotions. I could barely breathe. I just kept thinking of how many things I have still not done here and how many things I still want to do and see. Everyone keeps telling me that I can always come back but I know I could never live here again once I leave. I am so grateful that I could make it work for a year and that I am able to say that I resided in the most amazing city in the world. Thankfully I have made so many amazing friends. I know that I am welcome to visit and stay with any of them whenever I so desire.

Sometimes we make our own decisions and sometimes life decides to push us; possibly a combination of both. Either way, we have to move on. We were never meant to stay in the same spot for very long. We need to spread our wings, win, lose, laugh, cry and grow stronger. We have to explore. There is so much to see and do. On to the next adventure…

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