“If we want to be with someone we love, aren’t we already there?”
How true is this statement? If the love you have is real, it will be there always. Timeless. There are no amount of “I miss you”s, “I wish you were here”s and words to really even begin to truly describe how I feel and what I want, let alone change the way things are. Words falter, people screw up and circumstances will always change things. But that can never take away what I’ve always known. In the same room or completely different states, it remains the same. That has to be enough.
I had this moment in the midst of this early morning. It was one of those times when it feels like I can actually feel my heart aching. But this time, it was different. Woke up suddenly. I couldn’t breathe. Tried to catch my breath, while tears streamed down my face before I even knew what was happening. I got up and out of my bed, walked into the kitchen, drank a glass of water, watched the rain trickle down my third-story window and returned to my room. I wouldn’t exactly say that it was a panic attack because I’ve had those before and I literally thought I might die. This was unexplainable really. There was just something erupting inside of me, a lump of uncertainty, the pain of fear; it felt excruciating.
The cure turned out being deep breaths and some writing. And jazz. Jazz always makes it better.
So here I am at almost 7am, awake since 4, knowing I need to get out of this apartment and fill my time with some sort of project. And if it wasn’t pouring rain all I would want to do would be to find the nearest mountain and spend the day hiking by myself. I can breathe again. For now…