Flaws

I’ve heard that if you don’t love yourself then no one else can. I agree…

I have never felt myself aging until this past year. I am certain that a huge part of this has to do with stress and that really is unfortunate. I often wish I could control my freak outs a little better. I’m learning, I guess. So all this time I really have felt like the same sixteen year old girl, playing basketball, mastering the art of mixed tapes, concentrating on homework, laughing and being young. Or that carefree spirit living in Tempe, AZ when I turned twenty-one, finally out on my own, sharing an apartment with Sommer, never worrying about relationships. I partied, spent all my time with my friends, barely slept at all and somehow managed to run a restaurant at the same time. Life was great back then and when I run those memories through my mind, I really do miss all of it.

So here I am on the edge of farewell to my twenties and welcoming my thirties. I will admit that my feelings are mixed, but overall I am excited to start this new decade of life. Lately I tend to feel very run down. Sleep has never been so essential and important in my everyday existence and I mostly feel exhausted a huge portion of the time. I’ve tried to counteract this with vitamins, which is extra necessary because of my diet. I’ve been Vegan for two and a half years now and I love it. But I don’t always do the best job at making sure I have all the nutrients I need. I am sure this has a major effect on my energy level. In hopes of more stamina I attempt to boost my daily routine with miles of walking , constant stair climbing and hours spent at the gym All this makes me feel better but has yet to cure exhaustion. I have come to accept that I am just not that young girl anymore with endless energy that can go on no sleep and be perfectly fine.

I look in the mirror and some days I see a reflection that is becoming foreign to me. My face is changing; the start of wrinkles and lines here and there. At times this bothers me but luckily on my good days I believe my youth still shines through. I remember back to the first grey hair I found. I was in Sammy’s bathroom and we were brushing our teeth. I told him to pull it out immediately. I guess I wasn’t expecting that so soon. After that I stopped paying attention to them. I had this wonderful moment of contentment last week. I was getting ready for my trip to Boston and had pulled back my hair with a clip, when I noticed that my few strands of grey hair had turned into this beautiful streak of silver; I loved it and decided to show it off all day. In that moment I had full acceptance of what is to come. We are all aging and someday our lives will end. I don’t care about the end and honestly it scares me far too much to imagine anyways. I have an obligation to myself to make my life into something that I can someday look back on and be proud of. So that’s what I will do. I don’t want to hide my grey. In fact, if I decide to color my hair again, I want to keep the grey. It’s a part of me and I like it. I will never be flawless, skinny, stylish or stared at while walking down the street. But I am happy with who I am, inside and out. That is all that matters to me.

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