I’ve been searching for a way to say goodbye. Sometimes lately I cannot breathe as I am drowning in nightmares. I don’t know what exactly it is that haunts me, but it has to stop. The one thing I have not figured out; how do I handle this? Nothing makes sense. How is it my place to feel this upset. But I’m only human and my emotions win this battle. No wall I build or attempt to talk myself out of these thoughts will even begin to mask this madness.
As we grow older, we realize how short life really is. The trivial reasons that lead to arguments and sometimes result in losing close friends become more and more ridiculous, petty and down right unnecessary. I often cling to the hope that there is always a solution waiting to be found down the road, in our futures. What if you don’t get that chance? Why should we wait to resolve the things that keep us up at night, cause us pain and ultimately harbor dangerous levels of hurt within us? It doesn’t seem worth it. It isn’t worth it. More times than not, you may have to take the first step. The place of blame and fault in these situations is irrelevant. I can’t stress this enough; life is simply too short.
I resolve to say what I mean and mean what I say. Communication has always been an area of improvement for me. Day by day, I am learning more about how to transform my thoughts to words and those words into conversations. Above all else, our word should stand solid. We should all practice some integrity. There is not nearly enough in this world.
The only thing I could do was write a letter to him. My final words messily constructed onto wide-ruled paper, not carefully thought out by any means but honest nevertheless and painfully raw; tear-stained of course…
“Surely it was you that picked me. You charmed me from our very first exchange of words. Unlike anyone I had ever met, in many ways, I fell for you. It felt safe and effortless to be with you. We shared so much laughter and intimacy on a level that most may not understand. I will never forget. You taught me things that will never leave me and you created this new part of me that is so much stronger. That first night we spent, laughing and comfortably discussing life resembling lifelong friends, will always brighten the darkness in my heart. I hope and sometimes even believe I taught you things as well. I know you pushed me away and you hurt me more than any person should ever hurt another. But deep down I know that you didn’t see any other way to handle things… I experienced the great man who you had the potential to be and regretfully saw the angry abusive side as well. I forgive you for all that anger just as I had to forgive myself for letting it happen. In the height of our time, we were great. I know the reasons we met and I understand why you challenged and pushed me so much… I hope your spirit is free and you are resting peacefully.”