Funeral For a Friend

Eventually you learn to let go…

As for me, it happens slowly.  First with many tears, much anxiety, nightmares, sleepless nights.  Trying to understand and make sense of it all.  That is where I go wrong.  I need answers.  These answers will never exist.  They never did.

Next the anger comes.  But this is a very temporary state.  I have never known how to make sense of anger.  It just doesn’t last very long with me.  Mostly I drown in the sadness.

I long to be one of those people.  The ones that coast through life without emotions or attachment.  They chose when to feel and when to feel nothing at all.  I’ve been told I’m lucky for being such an emotional person.  People close to me tell me that they would rather be this way than to not be able to let out what they are feeling inside.  Well give it a try sometime.  It is mentally and physically exhausting.  How do I draw the line?  How do I keep myself somewhere between the state of not caring at all and falling head over heals for the next person that says all the things that I want to hear?…

Then I realize that it is all okay, or it will be soon.  The only thing that matters to me is myself.  I have to take care of me.  No one else is going to.  Working on myself has been the most paramount battle of my life.

So, yes, I do know how to let go.  But I had to work for it.  I had to learn how and it was no simple feat.  But now that things are the way they are at least I can breathe again.

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