Roads Ahead

If I write it, I can let it out and let it go.  I can transition the thoughts and feelings from deep inside of me, where they are causing so much pain and negativity, to a safe place on paper.  Or here in written form over the internet.

Currently the cause of my sleep deprivation:

So many lies for so long.  To the point of where I question whether anything was ever true.  I am aware that it doesn’t matter because I will never know the real truth.

The picture.  Of them together.  Flashes through my head.

Then I feel anger.  For questioning myself.  I know I am better than that.  I know better.  I fucking know better…

I’m still in love with the one person that will never love me in that way.  I get pieces, moments, memories, laughs from time to time and those keep me going.  I can push it away, ignore it, remind myself of all the reasons why it wouldn’t work, and accept it.  But the truth is my heart will never be able to let go.  It is absurd really.  It makes no sense to me and never will.  Knowing that the only one you have ever truly wanted is the one that you can never have is true madness.  Simply madness in every way.

I am hurting, grieving, searching, hoping, crying, talking to everyone in my life, listening so very closely, writing again-finally, and letting myself feel every emotion that I have in the most raw form.  I don’t wish to change any of my actions of the past few weeks.  I know that I need get through all the shit to really feel like myself again.  I miss me.  I miss the carefree, happy, upbeat, confident, trusting, hopeful, beautiful girl who I used to be.  I know that in time I will reemerge.  Time heals all wounds.  I’m searching for every bit of my strength to be able to make it through this time.  However long it may take…

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